Letters to the Editor.

Sir,

Ref your article: Fly the Flag.

You state, "These decisions have caused real angst to the Ulster Rugby public who struggle with their identity at the best of times being the minority members of the only all inclusive All Ireland sporting body".

To make such a statement just isn't cricket, as I'm sure the I.C.U. would agree. However if you pay me US $5000, I won't tamper with your balls-up and will let the matter drop quietly.

Yours etc, etc.

D. A. Rylhair.
Ed - When did cricket (or rounders as it is known in the FRU) become a sport?

Sir,

Ref: Your response to my previous letter,
"When did cricket (or rounders as it is known in the FRU) become a sport?"

Answer: Cricket is a sport whenever the score (as in the number of runs one team scores) goes beyond what any FRU member can count up to. Previously this was thought to be 20, but it is now known to be 22 or 23 after one of the smarter ones (IQ slightly bigger than his shoe size) pulled a couple of fingers off an opponent after he ran out of digits of his own. I understand that THP was present on that occasion and confirm. Also, for your information, cricket is known as rounders in the FRU, only because none of you fat drunkards can run in a straight line between the wickets, but wobble around the "square". The only difference between your rotundity and mine is that I gave up running anywhere years ago.

Yours etc, Mate,

D.A. Rylhair
Ed - Such abusiveness! Are you Ballpark in disguise?

Sir,

Ref: Your response to my response to your response to my previous letter,
"Such abusiveness! Are you Ballpark in disguise?"

Answer: No, He knows even less about cricket than you do!

Yours etc,

D.A. Rylhair

PS. I retract my original offer, even though it did have merit!

He was born, bread and buttered in a delightful part of Belfast which is quaintly known as “The Village”, and it was here that he first became aware of rugby during playful “rucks” with other locals. It was also at this time that he first became aware of the police.

Astonishingly, however, his childhood sporting interests actually centred around soccer. Even more astonishingly, he played for The Blues, although it was so long ago that they played in black and white at the time. Even now he remembers the big heavy ball which was used back in the early 1900’s, and how it used to really hurt when he headed it. He often wonders it didn’t cause long-term brain damage to the players of the day. Hmm…

Fortunately for our great game of rugby, Scrumstretcher, or SS as he is often known, forsook football in his late teens after the unfortunate incident with the referee, the mangle and the sausage-cutting machine, and became a winger with well-known local rugby club. (Unfortunately we cannot name this club as the court injunction is still in place and it is still denying all knowledge of him).

His promising rugby career was tragically cut short after a freak accident at work – the Elephant Man fell on top of him – and he was reduced to the role of a loyal Ulster supporter. Except of course when Llanelli is playing.

He was a founder member of the GB’s and was immediately appointed “GB 1”, mainly because he was bigger than the others and he was from the Village. Since then he has traveled throughout the British Isles (or should that be the”British and Irish Isles?), loyally supporting his team. Occasionally he also supports Ulster.

People will be surprised to read that SS is multi-lingual, and,as a result, he has been the GB’s interpreter on the trips to Paris, Biarritz and Galway. His “A” level, gained while a student at the Delboy School of Languages, has undoubtedly been his greatest achievement in life although he is almost as proud of his Cycling Proficiency Certificate, and the wee medal he got for doing a depth of the Ormeau Baths.

His main hobby outside rugby is sailing. Indeed he used to have his own boat until that night he accidentally bumped into the Princess Victoria – luckily there was no damage except for the little scrape to his bow (the sharp end). He doesn’t think the Princess Victoria was damaged but it had disappeared by the time he hauled himself out of the River Bann. (He is still fascinated by how salty the Bann is)

There can be no doubt that Scrumstretcher is one of our most celebrated (surely you mean “celibate” – Ed) supporters. If you ever see him at a match, (best chance is away to Llanelli) feel free to make yourselves known to him. His is a pint of Guinness.