STOP
(THE) PRESS!
One crisp autumnal night late last week, the editorial and production
staff of The FRU were enjoying the quiet but intensely satisfying
afterglow of a job well done as yet another bumper edition of The
FRU beamed its way to the four corners of the globe. However from
out of the gathering gloom the almost sinister and sepulchral hush
of the Mensa Park Offices was abruptly shattered by a loud thunder
like knocking on the FRU's oak paneled front door.
''Go Away CT'', Dewi bellowed,
''We' ve told you before. we're not going to print a copy of
the URSC minutes you managed to pirate from that oaf Kimble, and
anyway, I heard you were no longer a member of that crowd''
The incessant knocking did not cease
; for it was not the plumaged minute man who stood statuesque, with
bleeding knuckles, without the door.
Unable to bear the noise any longer
THP prised himself, bleary eyed, from the Chez Lange and lumbered
towards the door, while at the same time asking the supine Mr Barnes,
''Exactly how many tick men do we owe money to ?'' On unlocking
the Chubb(Y) mechanism which kept out the heathen and Jessie hordes,
THP was met by a rather bulky gentleman in a blue serge suit. Given
the man's broad shoulders, square jaw and general threatening demeanour,
THP presumed this was yet another personal applicant for the FRU.
Not for the first time was THP to be disappointed, for the substantial
gentleman thrust an official looking document into THP's hand and
mumbled something about ''Freedom of Information''
request, as he scuttled off into the night.
As THP attempted to assimilate the
contents of the letter, the more ''worldly wise'' Dewi
Barnes immediately realised the full implications of what was about
to befall the FRU. He ran over to the shredder - at a speed even
quicker than a fallout at a proleague editorial meeting - and proceeded
to feed voluminous amounts of paper - Oliver North Like - into the
ever receptive jaws and seemingly insatiable stomach of the shredder.
Unfortunately for the FRU, and indeed for some of its closet correspondents,
Dewi's attempts to destroy the most incriminating material was hampered
by the meter ''calling time'' on the FRU's electricity
supply and the shredder coughed and finally ground to a halt.
At that precise moment the FRU's oak
paneled doors splintered into match wood as the PSNI burst in and
presented Dewi and THP with summonses impounding all FRU Documentation.
Immediately The FRU offices became an unusual hive of frenzied activity
as bulky police personnel– some seconded from traffic branch
on treble time – began heaving bulging boxes of paper out
to the waiting ‘’Black Maria's’’
– aka the Malone Team Bus .
While THP remonstrated with the infidels
about such lofty topics as ‘’Freedom of
the Press’’, the more practically minded
Dewi Barnes managed to slip outside to see if anything could be
done to salvage the situation. As fate would have it, a limousine
ferrying the URSC Committee to yet another Corporate Jolly , approached
at high speed. This was just too much for the Traffic Branch Recruits
to resist and they dropped the boxes and disappeared into the night
in a vain attempt to apprehend Kimble and his merry band. In a flash
Dewi saw his chance, and he began stuffing what papers he could
retrieve into his pockets. However happenstance, Dewi was spotted
by the Boys in Blue (yes they were wearing the new uniform) who
made him turn out his pockets.
Dewi really remonstrated stating that
The FRU had just been served with a "Freedom of
Information" request and these papers have to
be released to the general public. A senior Officer had a quick
look over the penned papers and with a snort replied, "Not
with that name, or that one, or that one. Definitely not that one.
You're having a laugh if you think you can use that one. They are
all involved in the case of "Ballpark versus The World".
"How can I fulfill my Freedom
of Information request if you do not allow me to publish?"
Wailed a wallowing Dewi.
"How about we publish but
hide the names?" Trumpeted Tighty
And so it came to pass. Below are
some of the letters we were allowed to print!
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