“It’s the end of toilet breaks as we know them !” says the CEO. He added, “ With a skeleton staff of only 400 people now running Ulster Rugby it is imperative that we maximise our resources. There is no room for complacency as we enter an era of ‘ belt tightening’. Each and everyone of us must make sacrifices and only today I have set an example by telling my chauffeur that in future he should get his hair cut in Supercuts. The e-toilet will be a major advance in reducing office waste time to a minimum !”

“It’s incredibly exciting!” said computer icon, Bill Gates, to an audience of baffled senior Ulster Rugby ‘blazers,’ at the Microsoft Computer Test Center as he extolled the virtues of the first commercial scale e-toilet which will be installed in the UK at the Ravenhill Headquarters of Ulster Rugby.

“The e-toilet will revolutionise on-line waste elimination through access to high speed electronic bathrooms. For the first time the Internet will have real time, double-click and poop capability. For Ravenhill employees, after this upgrade it will be easier to use the e-toilet than it is to fake concern for the fans. The procedure is >Open Windows >log on >log out >log off >Close Windows. It’s that simple! In the near future,” he added, “everyone will shit on line!”

The Ravenhill model’s flexibility and ease of use is expected to make it the first on-line pooping system to be embraced on a large scale. (It was previously tested on a small scale in the SCOOP offices.) Desk top mounted and with broad band capability to allow even the largest of cyber dumps it can be used by up to 24 people simultaneously. In addition it will have full multitasking capability enabling cyber poopers to issue season tickets, sell rugby regalia, knit, fill in lottery tickets, and to read on-line magazines, and conventional newspapers, while on the e-toilet.

Another area of concern which has been addressed by the Microsoft e-toilet is privacy. “It used to be that any computer hacker could interrupt you while you were downloading on an e-toilet,” said Gates, “but thanks to the Ravenhill e-toilet’s advanced 64-bit encraption alogorithm, there is absolutely no chance of barge in, or of hackers breaking into the system and stealing your web log !”

Gates also stressed the huge advantages offered to Management by being able to press a button and get a spread sheet instant picture of shits per hour, shits per week, shits per employee, etc., This information will be recorded, and monitored, and will be invaluable when management wants to find out who gives a shit, and how often. Only one problem has still to be overcome and it emerged during the trials. Known as ’blowback’ it occurred when a Microsoft employee, and fervent Manchester United supporter, was down loading a mega-dump on line, but was also reading a conventional newspaper and did not see the dreaded 'pooped', warning message flash up on his screen. Milli-seconds later the shit hit the fan!