BP names Provincial Politico XV ….

3 August, 2008 (13:32) | Ballpark

Team manager Ballpark this morning unveiled his Provincial Political XV to take on a yet to be announced team at their ‘home’ ground of Civil Service.

Speaking from behind a billboard at the early morning press conference attended by a heifer, two squirrels and a pigeon, Ballpark explained his less than controversial selection.

“Well this is it, my Political XV with a strong front bench to take on all comers,” explained Ballpark, “I’m certain this team can talk its way out of any situation.”

“There wasn’t anyone else available,” muttered Ballpark darkly, when asked about Tighthead Prod’s unscheduled criticism of the team management.

“There’s a distinct lack of depth at tighthead and he’s gonna have to talk his way through 80 minutes and extra time if necessary!!”

On the lack of opposition, Ballpark had this to say,“I believe the opposition are frightened of us,” the squirrels rolled their eyes.

“The FRU are offering a T-Shirt prize for the best XV submitted to the FRU before the end of August, to play us.” The squirrels rolled their eyes again.

“Seriously,” continued Ballpark, “ I believe Captain Chaos, as we speak, is assembling a UAFC XV to take us on. Unfortunately their messageboard’s down so we may have to rely on pigeon post for information!” The pigeon shook its head..

What about the selection of Gavin Mairs, the heifer, wanted to know.“Mairsy’s in on merit and as a non politico he’s a political choice, if you know what I mean” explained Ballpark. The squirrels fell about laughing on hearing this.

The heifer turned out to be a pantomime cow with Richard Bullick as its rear end. It stormed off and Ballpark wrapped up the conference by announcing his team and reasons for selection.

1. Loosehead Taig – Some believe this could be Justin Fitzpatrick but LHT’s being kept under tortilla wraps till the last moment, as the joker in the pack.
2. Dewi Barnes – will play 50 minutes before being hauled ashore.
3. Tighthead Prod – One third of a well balanced front row here.
4. Nelson McCausland – Ulster Scot, McCausland will be expected to bring a Presbyterian work ethic to the second row and do the hard graft, unnoticed!
5. Lady Sylvia Hermon – Plenty of frills expected from this flair player
6. Gerry Kelly – An explosive six!
7. Conor Murphy – The Sinn Feiner will be expected to tackle anything that comes near him but we’re keeping him out of the way of a fish supper!
8. Alex Attwood – From the SDLP team and expected to bring a certain ‘fluency’ to the team talks.
9. Martin McGuinness – As the deputy first minister he will be expected to form a working relationship at half back with Peter Robinson. Martin will be asked to play a sniping role round the fringes.
10. Peter Robinson – drafted in after the sooner than expected retirement of the experienced Big Ian, Peter is expected to bring organisation and economy amidst the chaos. This is the other half of what had been expected to be the best half back conversation in the political world. Unfortunately Big Ian retired and we’ve been left with the more morose Robinson.
14. Sammy Wilson – The acerbic Wilson has been picked not so much for his straight line speed but his ability to talk his way round anything and everything.
12. Seamus Close – One half of an alliance centre partnership. What else would you put in the centre??
13. David Ford – Captain of the team. If there’s any justice he’ll have the respect of all or nobody.
11. Gavin Mairs – Drafted in late on and not a political choice but let’s see if he plays as well as he writes. Richard Bullick was the original pick but was dropped when it was learned he was writing his biography after hearing he’d been selected for this team.
15. Hugh Orde – In there to police the defensive line and keep order amongst the backs.

SUBS.
Iris Robinson - Impact player, Coronation Street and gay XV beware..
Barbi de Bruin – Barbi will be expected to replace Dewi Barnes at hooker on 50 minutes despite Dewi playing a faultless 10/10 in the lineout.
Arlene Foster – Not quite the right environment for her. To be used in emergencies.
Catrina Ruane – Was left speechless (again) when learning of her selection. Like Foster only to be used if all else fails.
Ian Paisley Jr. - Making his comeback after falling out of favour with the selectors.
Gregory Campbell – Replaces the now very out of favour Pootsy in the team. The tough talking Campbell is being asked to get along with McGuinness. Said Campbell, “I’ll be using the same changing room but you’ll not catch me yakking to him!”
Dawn Purves – A PUP amongst men.

So there you have it, all we need is some decent opposition. So put in your entries and your reasons for the selection and a T-shirt to the best opposition XV submitted.

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