TRIAL BY BJ’s THERMOMETER

Walking to Ravenhill last Friday evening in my shirtsleeves seemed to herald the sort of weather BJ Botha appears to crave. Standing in the shadow of the beer tent 10 minutes later and it was increasingly clear that I would have to wait a while longer for the spring warmth and grass enhancing sunshine.

BJ you will recall in an earlier blog complained in his first season of not receiving a healthy dose of vitamin D, in fact it’s a moot point he received any at all given the lashings of rain that were visited on the current saffies when they first arrived here.

Sun giving Vitamin D wasn’t the issue this time for BJ. Instead Andy Trimble’s alleged assertion that, things were rather humid in Edinburgh at an almighty 12 degrees caused BJ to almost choke on his mercury. One assumes Andy was talking weather and not rugby tactics or referee interpretation,

BJ’s obsession with temperature is rather endearingly old school and somewhat colonial as a kind of modern day version of those chaps in Africa rattling on about the heat. This time it’s BJ far from the African soil and sun and feeling the pinch. Nevertheless we expect to see the great man on these shores at the start of next season in time to welcome his good buddy Johann Muller. Will Johan suffer trial by BJ’s thermometer? Let’s hope Mr. Muller brings some sunshine in his back pocket and spreads a little radiant happiness round the hallowed ground with earth moving performances.

HUGO HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Some radiant happiness will be missing next season when the effervescent Isaac Boss or Hugo as he’s affectionately known, moves on to Dublin.

Isaac has a little lamb, its face is white as snow and everywhere that Isaac goes the lamb is sure to follow.

Well not quite as it appears that Isaac is reaching back to his Kiwi farming roots and practising animal husbandry by keeping a lamb in his back garden on behalf of Rory (Best I assume)! Having seen a pic of the lamb, penned in as it is, by railway sleepers and keeping a watching brief on Nagusa operating a rotivator I have to say things in the Boss kingdom are somewhat more the Shires and Lord of the Rings than County Down.

AN EVENING WITH THE ORIGINAL ONE

One found oneself in the company of the URSC Chairman, Mr. Kimble, standing self-consciously amongst the second barrier crew on Friday evening and dragooned into waving a very large flag that resembled a sail nicked from Ballyholme yacht club. As the match wore on some fans were leaving. It’s difficult to keep some people happy these days, they leave when we’re losing and go early when we’re winning. Nevertheless a small gap opened in the sea of spectators in front of us and a bright shiny galvanised object appeared as though it was the parting of the Red Sea.  For a moment Kimble peered at it in metallurgical awe, as if unable to believe his luck before lovingly stroking it.

“The second barrier, he purred as though having a metallic orgasm, “I haven’t seen it in three years”.

“Yes,” I said, rubbing my hands on a very cold piece of steel whilst trying desperately to share the chairman’s enthusiasm for a galvanised safety barrier.

Mr. Kimble was in revealing form, revelling in the warm glow of a new and amiable relationship twixt the URSC and Ulster rugby’s Chief Executive Herr Logler. Perestroika filled the air like wafting perfume, with the chairman revealing the unveiling of the URSC’s player of the year award at some dinner that the riff raff like moi can’t afford to attend.

Herr LOGLER WOULDN’T APPROVE

At a rally of the party faithful recently, Herr Logler, the new man at the head of Ulster Rugby declared that there would henceforth be no more noise made during the taking of penalty kicks at Ravenhill.

“The silence is deafening and definitely intimidating”, thundered Herr Logler to a deafening silence from the assembled throng. They were like kids who are told not to put their hands on a hot plate and experience an unpleasant sensation but do so anyway. So the Ravenhill faithful were particularly uncooperative on Friday as a prolonged buzzing noise that usually indicates a lack of attention in class permeated the night air when the kickers from both sides lined up kicks.

One was drawn into this underworld of inattention when the match drifted into prolonged tedium as Connaught, who had come with the intention of spoiling rather than positive rugby were extinguished and reduced to defensive mediocrity. Even as the players toiled on the field so I was caught up in a conversation on the history of Papillon. Cap’n Grumpy it turns out is a fan of the book and revealed the film as usual doesn’t stick strictly to the written version. Papillon became the subject of academic discussion when I casually mentioned that Simon Danielli replete with new crew cut and beard, looked like an extra from the film Papillon. Kimble was suitably aghast at this lack of attention and scolded volubly.

Herr Logler would not have approved!

THE STRANGE CASE OF THE INVISIBLE PROP

Sherlock himself would surely approve but were on earth has Tom Court gone?  Yes we all know he’s here but it looks like he’s Tom ‘Lucky Lucan’ Court as far as the Irish prop debate goes in the Irish media. The Heineken Semi finals had Irish Scrum Doctors almost everywhere reaching for their version of swine flu tablets to stem reversing Irish scrum fever. The wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst the Irish rugby writers as Munster, Leinster and Connaught scrums were stuck in reverse gear most of the weekend was palpable. Ironically as epitomised by one agin the head on Friday night, the Ulster scrum is in rude health, ably led by BJ Botha but assisted by Tom Court. Now even Mike Ross the 3^rd choice Leinster prop is being touted in the Irish press as going to New Zealand for the June tour.

TC though is the invisible man of Irish prop forwards, I’ve struggled to see his name mentioned and can’t find it written anywhere. Looks as though this June we will have to watch Cian ‘I’m a back row forward’ Healy and Tony ‘perma tan’ Buckley go through the motions of pretending to be props.

I recall the late Jim Davidson commenting on the arrival of Fijian prop Big Joe in a Heineken match in Bourgoin for Ulster.

“This man,” intoned Davidson at half time, “has been brought halfway round the world to scrummage!”  Clearly Joe was not doing what his CV had said it would and though it was a little unfair of JD given the bloke had come from sunny Fiji to sub zero Bourgoin, it nevertheless sums up the primary traditional role in rugby for a front row man – scrummaging!

BLAZERAMA, BLAZERDRAMA

My article on what the URSC have ever done for us in last week’s blog started a blaze of sorts when HRH RR decided to indulge in a little arson by putting torch to paper and demolishing entente cordiale with the URSC. The hire Brigade, in the shape of John E King, arrived and preceded to use rocket fuel to put the fire out. Enter stage left Gary Grousebeater with a mission to tell all and sundry that he didn’t start the blaze and promptly fell foul of Sheriff Dewi who give him a number 2 haircut and precipitated the withdrawal of GG from the FRU website. Just another day in the life of the FRU family.

PAN THE FAN

Fan in the spotlight this week is Glynncommando.

A couple of things you may or may not know about GC.

The name Glynncommando derives from: Glynn and Commando

Glynn – a suburb of Larne featuring a couple of cottages, a rugby club and a couple of very sharp bends.  (At least that’s how it looked the last time i passed through it!)

commando – As in going ‘commando’ with no underpants!  Or…

Commando – unit of special service brigade!

‘Commando’ or ‘commando’ which is it? – you decide!

ITALIAN TOUR GOES DUTCH!

The cycling season’s upon me and I’m glued to the screen, though I found the Italian version of the Le Tour De France coming live from Holland a rather odd experience except it would seem to have been a masterstroke on the part of the marking department given the crowds that the lined the route of the 3 stages.   It was though marred by spectacular peleton crashes and it’s a tribute to the physical and mental toughness of these professional cyclists that they get back on the bike and back into the race.  Highlights for me are the Columbia train which pedals into action near the finish to give their sprinters a boost to the line.

British sprint star Cavendish, whose season has been dogged by bad luck, continued poor form when having sprinted to the stage win in the tour of Romandie gave his critics the two fingers when he crossed the finish line, his team colours in full glare of the media spotlight.  Cavendish was fined, pulled out of the race and apologised profusely if belatedly.  He’s young, brash and confident and sometimes young stars have to grow up quickly in the media spotlight as some of our own rugby superstars have found out.

Glasgow kicked it to make it a 7 point gap and the match looked less secure for the home team as the teams trooped off. Moral of this particular narrative is that Ulster tried to play rugby in their own half and were punished. By contrast Glasgow ‘Parked’ the ball in Ulster’s half and invited them to run back at them, a tactic Ulster gratefully obliged, with the result a winnable match was lost, stuttering lineout or not.

Whether this is a blip or not, next week will tell the tale of the tape this far into the season. I would like to think that our coaches are not so far ahead of themselves that they won’t take responsibility for the tactical shambles. Paul Marshall is an excitable ferret and the coaching staff need to stand up and be counted for tactical mistakes such as bringing him on at such an early stage which led to the butchering of try scoring chances.

McGlocks reckons they’ll get a reaction next Saturday when they face Stade. Let’s hope so, for some players appeared focussed on Saturday week rather than the game at hand. It is up to the coaches to ensure the players are focussed on the game at hand and not the glamour tie the following week.

A Night on the Terraces

Not a good night for the players or the coaching team but it could have been worse! Like me they could have been on the Terrace watching with the disconcerting, apparitional presence of Chairman Kim who was spotted handing a drink to Freddie Benson in an apparent kamikaze attempt to buy votes.

Not sure what he wants elected to, because he has a lifetime appointment as chair of the Supporters Club. As an integral part of his campaign to be elected to something he appeared, in body at least, to distance himself from the second, sometimes at the third, barrier crew.

This is not so daft as it may seem, cutting off his right arm to grow more support by repositioning himself temporarily in order to fool some of the supporters some of the time.

I’ve Seen Fire and I’ve seen Rain

Even as the rain pelted down on Belfast streets and just as the tatters of Ulster’s poor tactical lament was drowned out by Glasgow’s ascendant kicking in the rain, the UAFC message board was gearing up for one of those rounds of schafenfreude that regularly blight the forum like a low budget potato famine.

So much rotten fruit was being hurled that the normally reticent ARCHIPELAGO, a writer much in the mould of fine wine, felt compelled to out himself as a dual moniker kinda guy, in the name of upholding the patriotism of the red hand and as a result came across like a bottle of Mundies.

This resulted in him in being, (I’m honoured to say), mistaken for moi, (the fine wine of course). There is of course only one Ballpark! Relief all round then, I’d hate to be the subject of such lurid speculation. Likewise I’d hate my CV to be picked over by message board jackals as if they were the guardian angels of Ulster rugby. Our new man at the helm I imagine will get the same feeling as the recently departed governor of Maghaberry prison and do a runner after 5 weeks, realising he was the only sane guy in the asylum.

BJ Not Go Home

Following this columns adopted player’s stirring Autumn performances for South Africa, there was much media speculation that BJ could go home early. One had visions of BJ in the carrier basket of a bicycle being uplifted into the overcast Ulster sky wrapped in a blanket.

Now BJ might complain about our weather, those dark days and rain lashed weeks, but it’s all for the consumption of his compatriots for whom he writes a column and it would appear he actually likes the rugby here my source has informed me.

It remains to be seen, but the thoughts of BJ repatriating himself to South Africa are receding by the light year, BJ’s not ready to go home just yet.

Bully Boys Whinge On.

Just when you think it’s safe to go out the Boks continue to whinge on about eye gouging with a picture of Brussow’s visage being published on, (I presume a Saffie website), showing him looking as if he went twenty rounds in a cage fight. This photo was apparently presented to the big ‘fight’ sorry match commissar as part of the Boks dossier on Irish weapons of mass destruction during the battle of Croker.

The South Africans appeared not to enter much evidence for the prosecution, bar a photograph and yet expect the match official to find out how the heroic Brussow got his damaged face.

Two things:

Go into any rugby clubhouse on a Saturday afternoon about half four and you’ll find more than a few bloodied and busted visages, mostly belonging to those denizens of the dark places, the front row and locks.

Secondly watch Brussow in action and you’ll realise he’s lucky to escape with just the odd cut round the eye. He comes quite a few times from an offside position, i.e. tracking back to the breakdown, grabs the ball and holding on to it for grim death he swivels 180 degrees to an onside position and waits for the ref’s whistle for holding against the opposition.  Put your bake in dark places and you’ll get the odd scratch.

Jackie Brown said …

Copying a Neil F post along with a dozen other messages Jackie Brown, the UAFC’s answer to X Factor’s Cheryl Cole utterings, managed to copy about 3000 thousand words before uttering his own immortal words of wisdom to Neil F, “you ought to get out more!!”

Jackie continues to astound with his in-depth homilies on the UAFC board and liberal use of emoticons to describe his feelings towards other posters.

Meanwhile the sniper battle for Leningrad was re-enacted on the UAFC when the deadly Snipe Watson took on calculating Cap’n Grumpy and a whole army of posters in a deadly game of hide and seek amidst the ruins of the Ulster Glasgow debacle.  Can’t remember who won, perhaps the battle’s into its 4^th day already.

Another String to his Row.

Meanwhile, away from the mayhem and bombast of the UAFC message boards and second barriers, one man strode like a giant amongst pygmies and a man amongst boys.

Mid Ulster Maestro was spotted Saturday morning amidst the paddles, (sorry blades) and riggers of the rowing scene down by the Lagan with his youthful charges as coach for Portadown rowing club’s youngsters doing battle with the RBAI rowers.

Mid Ulster revealed how stressed out he’d been spending five minutes searching for his car keys through the myriad pockets of his many layered attire before finding them residing on the finger of his right hand.

So McGlock’s thinks coaching Ulster is stressful???

As BJ Botha might say, “take a chill pill.”

Worried that O’Gara is in melt down since his catastrophic Lion’s tour, Kidney has finally decided that the time was right to reveal the clones to an astonished Irish rugby public.

The clones are currently being groomed for stardom by Irish Rugby fanatic Louis Walsh and it is thought his expert handling of the boys has taught the clones to cope with the inevitable media pressure, something that cell donor O’Gara could never do!

Forced to come clean Kidney told the FRU

“ We done this here for the good of Irish Rugby as part of our three year master plan to win the World Cup in 2011.

We thought we’d start with Ronan as no one would be too upset if anything went wrong with the clones and they would be easy enough to get rid off.

Now it’s a success we’ve been cloning all the key players during their enforced rest periods and come 2011 we’ll have an unrivalled squad of 120 players to choose from.

In fact thanks to our accelerated growth programme we hope to have the exact same side in each of the Provinces next season and we plan to showcase them at the opening of the Aviva stadium in August. The Magners League are happy as we’ll have our big name players available for all matches and sometimes they’ll even be playing against themselves.  ”

However one disgruntled Ulster fan was not happy with this latest development claiming that it will spoil his match day experience at Ravenhill in the seasons to come. Spokesman for the Second Barrier Crew Captain Grumpy stated,

“We’ve always been able to sing “There’s only one F in Ferris” but come next season we won’t be able to and singing “There’s only four F in Ferris’s” just won’t work.

Maybe they should clone Kimble and we could all take one home after the game! Nice!!”

Dear FRU,

I enjoy working out in the gym, and indeed the results are starting to show. Unfortunately my team mates insist in playing hip hop beats, such as the appalling Flo Rida, while we’re working out.

Being a bit of an intellectual, I would prefer to “feel the burn” to some of The Classics.

How can I persuade my colleagues to give them a go?

Tom.

The Raven Replies! It must be difficult playing in the front row with such cultured tastes. However, irrespective of the constant blows to the head, I’m surprised that a bright boy like you hasn’t come up with a solution to this conundrum as it’s really quite simple.

Burn a few classical tracks on to a CD and then pimp up the names on the outer cover. Mozart becomes Mozzy Art, Verdi become Ver Die and before too long big Cauldy will be begging you to “slam some jams!”
PS. Don’t let any videos of you working out to the classics get onto YouTube or you may find yourself becoming a gay icon like Bryn!

Dear FRU

I visited your site only to find that you have changed the background theme yet again. By my reckoning you have made more changes than Ulster have had managers over the last few seasons.

When are you going to wise up?

Grumpy. (Cap’n Retd.)

The Raven Replies! Dewi tells me that the last themes, though very nice, made it too difficult to read. This surprised me as I thought people only came on here to look at pictures of drunks and girls or even drunk girls! “The fat one” does assure me that there will be lots of exciting new things in the next few weeks. I think he’s doing a GCSE in Web Wizardry so god knows what it’ll be like!

Dear FRU

I am somewhat in a quandary. My two favourite teams, Bath and Ulster, are playing each other in this years Heineken Cup.

I’ll obviously be supporting Ulster but I am somewhat worried that, when I see the my Bath friends at Ravers, I’ll slip into my West Country Wurzel accent and it’ll take me 15 minutes to shout out “Come on Ulsterrrrr oh ar oh ar”.

Do you have any tips to stop me embarrassing myself?

Flat-Top.

The Raven Replies! I suggest that between now and the big match that you fully immerse yourself in your Ulster heritage. This will involve eating lots of Ulster Frys, Champ and Wheaten Bread and going on lots of marches while listening to the Pride of the Boyne Flute Band on your iPod.

I also suggest that you practice shouting “Come on Ulsterrrr” at Bath matches until you can get it down to three minutes.

Do you have a critical question to improve your game as a player or supporter? You too can ask the Raven using the comments section below!

Not quite ‘da missive massif’ Dewi is expecting but the sight on TV of him waving his Ulster flag at the Scarlets match and manfully keeping up appearances was a sobering reminder that fans are paying good money to travel to see the team play and offer support. That the team responded in such an abject manner is a further reminder that some work round the paddock is required during the summer recess.

I wondered briefly should I chuck my bottle of Bud at the TV in frustration at what I was seeing (I don’t mean at Dewi BTW!) but on second thoughts, the waste of beer, let alone a TV screen was more important than venting my anger at Ulster’s performance.  Ulster reminded me of a squadron of kamikaze who crashed on take off.  The changing room Ulster had recently vacated must have been littered with the debris of game plans, tactical nous, commitment and all sorts of other rugby mantras players normally take on to the pitch.

To take just two glaring examples.  Declan Fitzpatrick was guarding the fringes of a ruck but lack of communication led to the Scarlets scrum half running round him and setting up a score.  This was followed in the second half with the Scarlets prop leaving Niall O’Connor for dead and setting up another try.  One wondered would Matt Williams treat O’Connor in the same manner he had Ian Humphreys after the Leinster game. On second thoughts we would need a small reservoir of No. 10’s at this rate of going.  Better that the squad gets to know each other over the summer and Williams starts to use a settled squad of players whilst working on baseline stuff such as communication.

Sadly Williams has resigned following this match and going back to Aus, citing family reasons. This may well be the case, but one suspects the weight of expectation, restraints from UR and potential squad personality clashes may well have helped make up his mind. One does get a little fatigued with his repeated mantra about youth as it seems to hide a deeper problem that UR cannot/won’t pay for or attract a backbone of experience to the team. The size of task Williams faced may well have hit home once he’d been here a while. UR may well promote Davidson to head honcho. Whilst Davidson may have more experience than McCall one suspects he is in a similar situation of being too closely associated with people within UR to exercise the necessary pragmatism required to steer the team and its peripheral baggage.

Coaches come and go at UR, the attrition rate seems to rise steadily. A comparison with Leinster a few years back is interesting as they had a similar problem.  Not that long ago Leinster flitted between Ravenhill lookalike Donnybrook and the occasional big game at Lansdowne Road before settling down at the RDS.  Donnybrook struggled to meet its capacity most of the time yet at a stroke Leinster doubled their crowd figures by going to RDS and setting behind the scenes structures in place.

My recall of the details about Leinster are admittedly sketchy (FRU don’t do MP’s expenses and pay for researchers!) but the crux of it is that they re-organised the coaching regimes after several fiascos and the Leinster Branch to boot. It may or may not be as simple as all that at Ulster Rugby, but the point is, in parallel to coaching, the back room/ system was shaken up.  For the moment the SS UR sails on regardless of what happens on the pitch.  Such is the mess with the hiring /resigning, not re-signing of coaches you have to wonder why the problems are appended solely on the pitch with coaches and players.  We have had 4 head coaches and 1 temporary head coach in 10 years.  Difficult to see where the continuity is coming from on the pitch, whilst the off pitch control seems flaky at best.

ALFA MALES

The focus, nay you might say the microscope, falls on long time Ulster fan Mid Ulster Maestro.   I recall one evening standing outside the gates of Ravenhill with Maestro and spotted a distant look in his eyes, that upon closer inspection revealed him to be staring in the direction of Paddy Wallace.  PW had just got out of his Alfa Romeo, coupe, convertible dooby do sports car and was, some would say, posing alongside.  Mum’s point of keen interest became clear, it was Italian automotive engineering, they are both Alfa males!!!

UNREQUITED WORLD MAKES A COMEBACK

With Gillian’s interest in Cillian Willis on the wane and UR’s interest in similar fashion by the sound of it, “Unrequited World” has been unreported of late.  The ever industrious Gillian has however been hard at work helping to look after the Newforge Taggers team. A few weeks back in front of the Taggers new patron Mr. Isaac Boss, Gillian failed to impress him with the technical application of her refereeing, even at this humble level. Bossy ever the optimist though was reputedly impressed with her ability to let the game flow and as someone with former Super 14 experience, he has reputedly earmarked her early potential as a future Super 15 referee!

Last weekend Gillian was with the Taggers at a tournament in Worcester and with so many folks on the move it was  claimed at the airport that their Taggers party was a bigger operation than the Lions.  Just as well you were only going Worcester and not Cape Town I remarked. The Tagger’s kids acquitted themselves well at the tournament, reaching the semi finals of the event.  So well done all those volunteers who travelled to Worcester and had a good time by all accounts.

THE CAPTAIN GOES BACK & FORTH, BACK & FORTH

Cap’n Grumpy sallied forth under the Grumps flag of convenience, armed with a salvo of sarcasm and a blast of bilge.  You would expect the Ulster supporter’s club to dwell on such weighty subjects as to why the relationship twixt Ulster Rugby and the supporters remains fractured in the wake of McCallgate,

Alas no. Grumps wonders out loud why I don’t respond in detail to his overblown, overlong, 2 weeks late response to ballotgate. (You can read it in the comments column on the right hand side of the FRU homepage, if you are really keen.) The Monty Python ‘5 – 10 minute argument’ sketch springs to mind here. Sorry your outa time Grumpy and don’t insult me with this pram nonsense, the toys continue to be all yours. You’re welcome to them.

“Help, I’m a celebrity get me outa here”, as BJ Botha might say from the back of Grumps taxi.  As BJ also might say, chat soon.

Much has changed in this new united Europe but the roads south of Armagh are still pretty shit.

On arriving in Galway we made our way to the Huntsman Inn which quickly became an Ulster stronghold as more and more weary travellers from the north arrived for the game. We were informed of the progress of the UAFC bus by one of the late arrivals and were disappointed to learn that there were only eight or nine on board. Then again a ten hour round trip with Cap’n Grumpy on board may have been a bit much for all but the most hardy, or desperate, of Ulster supporter!

Suitably replenished we made our way to the Sportsground and it was good to see a fair proportion of the non-playing squad members dotted around the ground who all took time to chat to the supporters. A good move by Ulster Rugby and perhaps something they should consider more often despite the expense.

Making our way to the terrace shortly before kickoff, it took us a while to work out who was playing where as there were several changes to the starting line-up to that that had been previously reported. Finally worked out that Del-Fava was on for Caldwell, Humphreys on for O’Connor and Bossy on at full back with Clinton moved to the wing for Nagussa. Don’t know what prompted the changes but the decisions to play Carlo from the start and Bossy at full back were certainly correct as they were the stand out players for the first thirty minutes as Ulster took it to Connacht. Big Carlos was everywhere, rampaging like a wildebeest on the plains of South Africa, in what was easily his best performance for Ulster. He out "Ferrised" Ferris who appeared to be trying to run off a knock during the opening quarter. Bossy looked a class apart throughout the game with rock solid play under the high ball, astute kicking and a willingness to make a break when the opportunity arose. Bearing in mind the strong gusting wind it was an excellent display.

After thirty minutes Ulster looked to be cruising to a comfortable win with two Humphreys penalties and a well worked try finished off by Danielli, who covered a lot of ground looking for the ball. Unfortunately, after Carr broke down the wing to outpace the Ulster defence, the game plan and the confidence seemed to disappear as Connacht dominated the remaining fifty minutes. However, one thing Ulster have perfected this year is defending on the back foot and this time the missed kicks went their way and they managed to hold on for a win with Henry and a rejuvenated Ferris putting in a lot of work.

Back on the terrace the crack was good with our hosts as we commiserated with each other on disappointing seasons and we were delighted to be approached by Mike Reid who took the trouble to hand out several free cider tokens which were quickly cashed after the game. As always, the rest of the evening passed in a blur, but vaguely remember talking to Cillian Willis who confirmed he has signed for another two years.

[svgallery name="Connacht v Ulster, 8th May 2009"]

“Since taking over the URSC I have tried to bring the members into the 20^th Century never mind the 21^st. Over the last 18 months I have tried to bring youth through and develop local home grown talent to run functions such as ballots and prize draws and to provide entertainment on away trips as, after all, it does get boring looking at the same old beardy faces at every event.

Obviously these youngsters are going to make mistakes and fail to close out ballots properly, but it is all a learning experience and I assure you under my leadership things will be better next year. The ballot for tickets was going well until the final moments when we failed to close it out and ended up selling tickets to a non-member of the URSC.

You have to bear in mind that 3 of the people involved in the ballet were under 50 which I thinks makes us one of the youngest balloting teams in the Magners league and next year we expect to get that average age down to 25 by “retiring” Cap’n Grumpy.”

Reports that Matt Williams and Kimble have never been in the same room at the same time are unfounded.

by INSIDER

Move over MUM

Few fans can have missed the recent appearances of Mid Ulster Maestro at Ravenhill with his bright yellow fluorescent jacket and orange weatherproof trousers. It pains the FRU to point out to him that by standing so close to the Second Barrier Crew he could easily be mistaken for the guy in charge of the ‘holding pen’ for the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Colzo fails again

Commiserations are offered to Colzo who recently had a dalliance with a Munster lass which unfortunately led to much frustration. It was probably due to his youthful inexperience but he didn’t appear to know the old adage, ‘You can take the girl out of Cork, but you can’t take ………’

Ballpark bons mots

Serial story teller Ballpark is believed to have contacted the FRU seeking advice on whether he should put more fire into his stories.

The advice given was vice versa.

Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.

It is sad to report that The General is growing ever more disdainful of modern professional rugby players who spend so much time waxing their scrotums and rubbing moisturiser into each others buttocks. Oh how he longs for the good old days when a turd placed in a team mate’s kit bag, or a blob of ‘Deep Heat’ in his jock strap, was a more relevant expression of the old amateur player’s comradeship, masculinity, and maturity.

Doakie hits back at critics

Criticised by supporters for using some colourful language including the word ‘motherf—-r’ at a recent Ulster match, a defiant Doakie has hit back. In a well thought out riposte our Doakie has urged his critics to,” All y’all go f–k yo’selves and yo’ mama too.Y’all be bullshit !” So far it is understood that none of Doakie’s critics in the ‘hood have responded to his ‘ themselves f—–g’ offer.

Now you see him, now you don’t.

Supporters of Ulster Rugby concerned about the recent disappearance of Cap’n Grumpy will be relieved to know that the simple explanation is that he is currently studying for his Boy Scout Camouflage Badge. Allied to his Silly Chants and Stupid Banners badges this will make him the most decorated boy scout since American humourist Shelley Berman observed that boy scout troops are, ‘A bunch of boys dressed as jerks being led by a jerk dressed as a boy’.

Bus trip to Leinster

Supporters intending to travel to Leinster by the URSC bus are reminded that drinking,smoking,swearing,singing,vomiting,gambling, spitting and ribald jokes, will be permitted, but in order to make the journey as pleasant as possible for ALL passengers a ‘ Strictly No Dancing ‘ rule will be enforced by the bus steward ‘For Dog and Ulcer’. After an unheeded initial warning of ‘Sit down Freddy Benson!’ passengers are advised to look away now, as some violence could ensue.

HWM urged to drink more responsibly

Scottish Courage Brewers,the manufacturers of White Lightning cheap cider, have urged HWM to drink more responsibly after seeing him puke into the shoe of a cheerleader at a recent Ulster match. Chief Executive Mr.John O’ Groats said,’ We are concerned for the welfare of good customers like HWM and are sending him a voucher for £20 to enable him to claim a pallet of 3 litre bottles of White Lightning. Having 7.5% alcohol by volume, a 3 litre bottle contains 22.5 units and comfortably exceeds the UK Health recommendation of 3 units daily.’

Rapidly swelling CEO may contain traces of peanuts.

Ulster supporters are growing increasingly concerned about the apparent rapid increase in the volume of the Ulster Rugby CEO. Although he recently ate a KFC Family bucket all by himself on his way to a’ Banquet for Five’ at the Wan King Chinese restaurant an unnamed source has claimed that the CEO may have eaten a plate of chicken curry prepared in the same facility as dishes containing peanuts.It was therefore reasonable to conclude that the CEO may have contained traces of peanuts when he began experiencing difficulty tying his own shoelaces, and fastening trouser top buttons . So far the purple-faced,swelling CEO has refused to comment.

Kimble gutted after recent health check

A recent health check at the Ulster Clinic using DNA and the latest carbon dating techniques has revealed that Kimble has a life expectancy of only another eighty years. Stll reeling from the news that he may only live until the age of 127 Kimble fears that he may never see his beloved Ulster qualify for the knockout stages of the Heineken Cup or the completion of the Ravenhill Development Project. “I’m gutted,” said Kimble,”and I’m still trying to come to terms with this tragic news. Does anyone have Max Clifford’s telephone number?”

Is nothing sacred ?

Rugby players and aficionados who rushed to copy the tattoos of All Black players thinking they were replicating some sort of sacred Maori drawings now feel a bit sheepish as it is revealed that they were, in fact, copied from a catalogue of Victorian iron railing designs.

This weeks factoid is about Ulster’s most vocal of supporters Cap’n Grumpy.

Cap’n Grumpy is in fact a real Cap’n on the Larne – Cairnryan P & O Ferries. He does refuse to work Friday nights!

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Previous Factoids.

Factoid 1. TRUE Flat Top does get his hair cut every week!

Factoid 2. FALSE Bryn has had no offers to model knitwear!

Factoid 3. TRUE Andrew did find his Mini in the weights room!

Factoid 4. TRUE Filo Paulo did cut Darrens hair!

A veil of secrecy has descended over Ravenhill as Williams has installed himself in a Portakabin office with a sign on the door which reads, “No admittance, even to authorised personnel”. However, a player who wishes to remain anonymous and can only be identified as Carlo for legal reasons, gave the FRU the inside track on the shenanigans which have been taking place.

Carlo told the FRU, “Lasta week the bossa callsa me in to his office and he say, “Howsa you Carlo?” and I say,“Okay boss. Every daya I thinka you mora and mora like Roberto Redforda.” I know that pleasa him an’ he no wanna give me bada news. Carlo can play psychological gamesa too. Then he say, “Relaxa Carlo, you too tense.” an’ I say, “Carlo is relaxa boss,comparea to me a bowla cooked spaghetti looksa tense.”

Then he say,“Carlo, bigga changes taking place here. From now on, you Malcolm.” I say, “But my name Carlo boss. I no Malcolm.” an’ he say, ” Whatsa matter you? Gotta no respect? You now Malcolm! Avante!”

I go outta an’ I hangsa about, see other player go in and come out with sadda face. I say, “Whattsa up, Paddy?” He say,“I no Paddy any more, now I Brian.” Then I see Rob and he say he now Gordon. I ask Ed, and he now Leo. Then I see Fat Controller across car park an’ I say to him. “Hey Chief, whatsa going on?” an’ he say ,“Canta stop now Malcolm, I rushing to City Hall. Big meeting. Changing name of Ravenhill to Donnybrook!”

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PINT FOUND ABANDONED IN SCOOP BAR AT RAVENHILL RUGBY GROUND
An abandoned pint of Guinness has been found in the Scoop Bar at the Ravenhill Headquarters of Ulster Rugby. The pint was discovered in the early hours of Saturday morning by Ulster Rugby supporters who had been celebrating Friday night’s moral victory over Bath. The revellers had staggered into the empty bar for a wee when they noticed the tiny bundle sitting on the bar. It was wrapped in a cheap plastic container. After much discussion the fans rang for a taxi and rushed it to the Royal Victoria Hospital where nurses immediately named it Arthur. It is currently in intensive care as doctors battle to rebuild it’s head.

Full time reveller and part time sleuth Mr. D.Barnes, said,”I deduce that anyone in here who has a pint and doesn’t drink it is definitely not an alcoholic, they must be a stranger to these parts”. He added, “Anyone who pays £70 for a pass to the Scoop, buys a pint, and then abandons it, should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act.”

This view was almost reiterated by Chief Inspector Bent Filth of the PSNI who said, “Anyone who pays £70 for a pass to the Scoop Bar should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act.” He also said, “We realise that this is a sensitive situation but we must stress that we are not looking to prosecute at this stage. We just want the owner of the pint to contact us. They can remain anonymous, but we need to show them what a full lobotomy looks like.” He then appealed for witnesses to come forward and warned the public not to get involved.

Anyone with any information about drink can contact the police on 999.

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MUTED WELCOME FOR HERO’S RETURN
Local hero Cap’n Grumpy was almost given a hero’s welcome when he returned to the Ulster Rugby stadium at Ravenhill last Friday night for the match against Bath.The good Cap’n shot to attention early last year when he bravely dived, fully clothed, into a puddle outside the beer tent to rescue a ball which had been kicked in. “I just saw the ball and jumped into the puddle to get it out” he said at the time.“I didn’t think of myself. I just saw the ball”.

Cap’n Grumpy was underwhelmed by the reception he got. “Well, I’m sure,had I got those two boys out of the puddle alive, not just the ball, there would have been a lot more fuss. But I can’t live in the past and I had to prioritise with an instant decision”.

Police divers, who have spent the last six months searching the puddle, are beginning to give up hope of finding the missing boys, though another ball, a scuttled Russian submarine, and two Tesco shopping trolleys have been recovered. Ulster Rugby are hoping to have the puddle filled in for the opening Magners League match against Llanelli Scarlets. They also hope to feature Welsh tribute band, SHYWYDDYDYDDY, singing ‘Three Steps To Heaven’, etc. etc. in the Beer Tent prior to the match.