URSC Statement

The URSC last night issued the following statement.
“The few remaining members of the URSC committee met earlier in the week to discuss the deepening crisis brought on by the so called Stanleygate saga. After accepting all outstanding resignations and enduring a lengthy deliberation on recent media difficulties, not to mention all the nasty things said about us on the other site, we are pleased to confirm that both Stanleys have the full backing of the rest of the committee and further, in a show of solidarity, we will all shortly be changing our names to Stanley. Our Chairman will henceforth be known as Stanley C, our Treasurer as Stanley T and our Secretary, when we get one, will be known as Stanley S. All of the other Stanleys will be ranked by age and known as Stanley 1, Stanley 2 etc. In order not to confuse matters, anyone who is Really called Stanley will be known as Stanley R. This of course means that, should our Secretary really be called Stanley he will be known as Stanley RS. (Ed: think about it!) We will also be adopting new standing orders as follows:

1 All Stanleys will be required to remain standing while ordering drinks from the bar.

2 Anyone answering to any name other than Stanley, while the committee is in session, will be required to place a standing order for all the other Stanleys.

3 There is no order 3

4 Anyone suspected of talking to the media will be required to place a standing order.

5 Anyone caught trying to organise any kind of social event remotely connected with rugby will be required to place a standing order.

6 Anyone caught falling over while attending to standing orders will be required to order a second standing order.

7 Reimbursement for any expenses incurred in connection with all standing orders must be approved by Mike Reid, CEO, otherwise known as Big Stan."

Cheers!

Following on from our Hemel Hempstead blaze story at the bottom of the page, police now believe that the main arson suspect has returned to his home area of Newtownabbey. A police informer has told Scoop that they had hoped to track him by electronic means such as email intercepts, but unfortunately the suspect has obeyed Fire Service requests for locals to keep their Windows™ closed! In the mean time, we are keeping a close eye out for people buying matches.

SCOOP GETS HANDLE ON SPY SCANDAL

The story so far.

A man identifying himself only as Stanley rang the Fatty Nolan Show and said things that a friend of a friend had told him about why Ulster Rugby was still waiting for redevelopment funding that had been promised years ago but had yet to materialise.

What has been said about that which was said to have been said but may or may not have been said.

Stanley said that Mike Reid said that the Government said that they would link any Raving Hill funding to support for the Maze project and that he had tapes to prove it. The Government said that they never said any such thing. Mike Reid said that he never said what Stanley said he said about what the Government said. Scoop are unclear if he has tapes to back up this statement or not.

Hot potato.

“What seems odd about all of this is that the BBC permitted this hot potato to get out of the chip pan and into the fire,” said our Editor in Chief, Cap’n Grumpy. “They never struck me as an organisation remotely interested in what the majority thinks!”

Mike’s hidden mikes.

Said a DCAL spokesman – “This is really bugging us. If this is true then Ulster Rugby are being deceitful – imagine secretly taping what we were not prepared to say in public and then saying what we were not prepared to say in public, in public. We would never consider abusing the media in this underhand way – next we’ll be hearing that UR has planted a spy in the SIB or the House of Sport. Government would never stoop to such reprehensible behaviour.”

Sharp practice.

However Scoop can now reveal that, while Mike Reid may deny bugging DCAL’s phones, the URSC are clearly bugging him. The identity of the mole cannot be revealed without disclosing our sources but Scoop can confirm he is known as Stanley Knife by his handler. It remains to be seen how Ulster Rugby respond to this sharp practice.

What’s in a name?

Armed with a bootleg copy of the URSC membership list and some insider knowledge from a dodgy email, we tracked down the Stanleys concerned. In fact both were very concerned – especially when they realised we were from Scoop. Said one, between mouthfuls of chips, “I was only repeating what I had been told in good faith, but it seems I was set up. I have nothing further to add; from now on you will have to contact my solicitors – Argue and Fibbs.”
Said the other Stanley, “that’s the trouble with my name; people are always confusing me with other Stanleys. If only my mother had called me after my Great Auntie Etta it would all have been so different.”

Finally one of our reporters managed to contact the URSC chairman on his mobile, however, after establishing that our man was not actually another committee member tendering his resignation, he hung up.

Meanwhile the potato in question has apparently disappeared, among rumours that it was only half baked anyway.

Watch out for more startling revelations in the Stanleygate affair – we promise you, the fans waffle over the cyber ticket raffle snaffle is a storm in a half pint glass compared to this one.

Closing Down Sale?

Hard on the heels of a breakout of syldexia at the offices of Scoop, comes rumours that the independent publication, the orifice of free speech, the champion of the terrace dwellers and those who wash in a galvanised bucket in the back yard, (but only on high days and holy days), is to close!

“So Scoop goes the same way as the URSC website, that once fiercely independent mouth piece of the true supporters of Ulster Rugby but now merely a passing shadow of its former self”, complained a disgruntled fan, who would only answer to the name of Stanley. “Subsumed into the UR site with the promises of limo rides to the New Maze Stadium, free bar passes, hot showers, weekly massages, direct access to the inner sanctum of Branch HQ and hands on tuition in covert recording techniques”, he added. “Now look at what has happened – it became a neutered branch lap dog before finally retiring to its basket in the corner, never more to bark again, let alone bare its teeth or wag it tail.”

Well, we at Scoop wish to reassure our reader that this is nothing but a tissue of lies, innuendo and misinformation put about purely to boost sales. Said a Scoop spokesman earlier today, “like Munster, we will not be holding a ‘Closing Down Sale’. We are only relocating to Mensa Park whereas they have no hope whatever of closing down Sale.”

This Scoop exclusive, which is sponsored by Pedigree Chum, has been filed under no reporting restrictions whatever. We at Scoop retain fool control of our publication, don’t we Stewpot?

Coming soon – “One of our Stanleys is innocent” - Scoop’s very own low down on the hi jinks on the Nolan Show!

We Bet He Wishes He’d Never Said It!

In the past few hours, SCOOP has learned that Stanleybet, a leading firm of bookmakers, are offering very strange odds on which URSC Committee member resigns next. (That is if there are in fact any left to resign.)

At the same time we have established that the PSNI Fraud Squad is laying odds that the East Belfast based bookie will not be in business next week. We at Scoop feel it is incumbent on us to warn potential punters NOT to place any bets with this turf accountant in relation to URSC affairs (not that we’re suggesting that anyone in URSC is having an affair).

Scoop has also learned that PSNI Intelligence Officers, (bet you never knew they existed!) have interviewed two URSC members named only as Stanley and Stanley and that both Stanleys have denied any knowledge of wrongdoing or indeed any knowledge of anything at all. We also understand that another messageboard “insider” has been interrogated about “insider” knowledge, but our sources can confirm that, after some hesitation, he denied any knowledge about making snowballs, let alone asking anyone to throw them for him.

A legal representative speaking on behalf of one of the Stanleys said that his client was totally innocent, while another legal representative, speaking on behalf of the other Stanley claimed it was the other Stanley, (not his Stanley) who said it. The other Stanley on the other hand said that his legal representative (also a URSC member) was totally naive.

Stan James was unavailable for comment as he was awaiting the result of two flies climbing a window
Filed for SCOOP by our oddest correspondents William Power and Paddy Hill

Formerly known for his witty, pithy ripostes and reposts, Ballpark the Elevated, Fourth Ulster Guru and honorary member of the Second Barrier Crew has gone missing – disappeared, vamoosed! Well not entirely disappeared, but he has become much harder to find. While the evidence of where he has been remains, he is no longer listed in the Who’s Who Directory of the Great Unwashed, and while he may possibly look in the window from time to time, he no longer leaves his calling card.

But much worse, and this has never happened before, he is no longer a Guru!!!! Explaining this reduction in the ranks, a Guru spokesman earlier to day explained, “Ballpark has evaporated! He is an ex-Guru! It is the strangest thing since the Rise and Fall of Reggie Perrin! The first we knew of it was when he turned into a Gusset, er,,, Guest. It’s not that he slipped graciously down the rankings – he simply vanished. One minute he was there and the next ……poof….just like that he was gone, skedaddled, eradicated!”
And so will Ballpark go down in history, not for his profundity, but for his absence? For, like the Tenth Legion of Imperial Rome it appears he will be airbrushed from the annals of history.
Meanwhile a spokesman for the URSC committee, another body renowned for its shrinking membership, was reluctant to comment. “We on the committee have agreed not to comment on anything controversial in future for, as we invariably get into deep dippy do when we don’t, we are usually in even deeper dippy do when we do”, he said. “It’s a sort of, we’re damned if we do do and damned if we don’t do kind of do do!” he added. “We always seem to be putting our foot in it.”

Another Scoop exclusive, filed by our Historical Correspondent, Justin Thyme

Have you seen this man?
If you see him, do not approach him as his breath is thought to be flammable. Dial 999 and ask for the Fire Brigade.

SCOOP has learned that police are investigating the possibility that a distinguished Ulster Rugby Guru was implicated in a major fire in England. The fan who has not been named, but is believed to sign himself “Grouse 10322.56” is thought to have stored this number of barrels of the Famous substance in preparation for Christmas, at a flammable liquid store in Hemel Hempstead, Herts.

The fan was seen in the area shortly before a major fire broke out there earlier this week. Witnesses say he was smoking and had drank nearly half a barrel of whisky (hence the part barrel) and seemed to be celebrating a rugby match. Police have issued an artists impression of a man they want to interview showing him sitting in a nearby field where it is alleged he was singing a ditty in honour of one of his favourite players.

Filed for SCOOP by our Southern Correspondent, Anne Tipodean