In line with our policy of openness, honesty and integrity Scoop believes it has an obligation to both its readers to publish an extract of recent correspondence with the Chair of the URSC. Now you can see what we have to put up with on a daily basis.

----- Original Message -----
To: the_big_cheese@scoop.co.uk
From: the_original_kimble@tok.com
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 10:18 AM
Subject: RE: More Scoop

Hi Whatsyoursname,

Apologies for not getting back to you on your excellent articles but I have been out of the office a lot in the past few days.

I may have a story in the making – something about me meeting Declan Kidney by appointment on Saturday evening – sometimes fact is stranger than fiction!

Cheers,

the original kimble

URSC Chair

To: the_original_kimble@tok.com
From: nobody_important@scoop.co.uk
Sent: 28 September 2006 10:37
Subject: Re: More Scoop

Dear Mr Chair

I was unconcerned about your apparent disinterest in SCOOP as I assumed you now considered it and us to be below the exalted levels in which you now consider yourself to belong.

Whatsyoursname and myself know differently, however, and therefore I must ask you to make an appointment before emailing either of us in future (by email will do).

We do look forward to your potential article after Ulster roast Steak 'n' Kidney's pie on Saturday. I hope you do appreciate that it is so long since you wrote for the organisation that you will have to re-serve your apprenticeship. Please forward your copy for editorial perusal by 10.00am on Monday morning. That should give time for one of our regular investigative journalists to make something useful of it. (If nothing else we can print it and make it into a paper plane.)

PP
SCOOP Editor in Chief.

To: the_big_cheese@scoop.co.uk
From: the_original_kimble@tok.com
Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 12:23 PM
Subject: RE: More Scoop

Dear Mr Editor in Chief,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I have long been a fan of Scoop and often felt I should have contributed an article or two, but being so busy with running the country Ulster Rugby the URSC, a small insignificant group of corrupt officials around drinking Guinness, I find I have not got the time to do it justice. Rest assured, Sir, if I can get my face in front of a camera with Declan Kidney, appear on Setanta to Cork and back in one piece you will be the first to hear all about it.

Yours obsequiously,

El Presidente,

URSC Chair

No-one from the URSC was available for comment (surprise, surprise), but a representative (who didn’t want to be named) from a local coach company did inform us that they had offered two of their largest vehicles, but these had been declined by the Supporters club.

Our enquiries then led us to believe that there weren’t that many actually travelling, and that the lack of accommodation was due to the URSC Chairman taking over the top two floors of the hotel for himself – a not unnatural assumption, as we couldn’t possibly expect his Excellency to have to slum it could we?

However, even that turned out to be wide of the mark, but not by much. Certainly there aren’t that many fans travelling and the top two floors of the hotel will NOT be available, but that’s not because kimble has taken them, but because they aren’t actually there.

Scoop can now exclusively reveal the hotel accommodation booked for the fans – and before other disreputable sites try to make it out to be run down and ramshackle, we would point out that it does have running water and it does have scenic walks in the turnip patch where guests are invited to pick their own dinner veg.

A spokesman for Munster rugby has confirmed the low turn out of Ulster supporters but is still confident that they will more than double the usual attendance at a Magners League match in Cork.

SCOOP would like to be first to congratulate URSC on Tour for their superb planning of this trip and hopes that others will desist from taking cheap shots (unless it’s at the expense of Munster).

26 September

SATIRE’S NO JOKING MATTER
Filed for SCOOP by our internet correspondent, Dot Comm.

Scoop is pleased to report that today it was acknowledged as the original and still the best satirical website dealing with rugby related matters. The flip side of this is that the editors are only too aware that where we lead, others blindly follow. Unfortunately, being blind, they soon get side-tracked and start to indulge in behaviour unbecoming of the Ulster Rugby Public. It has been drawn to our attention that some downmarket sites have been publishing jokes with a “Jag” and that some have found this distasteful, if not downright offensive.

Rest assured that Scoop will continue to give a lead in these matters and we can categorically state that we will NEVER publish a “joke with a jag”

25 September

Terrace Dwellers Put Magners League Television Coverage At Risk.
Filed for SCOOP by our Flags & Emblems Correspondent Stan D'bearer

A possible schism between the Magners League and its television partners was narrowly averted on Friday night as a compromise was reached in application of new rules designed to maximise television coverage of Magners Celtic league rugby#.

Ulster fans were devastated to be told upon arrival on the terrace that the waving of flags in support of the team was now prohibited as they got in the way of the cameras, but after quick negotiations between representatives of both parties (a guy in a fluorescent coat who looked like a bar steward, but with more of a sense of humour, and a disreputable grumpy looking galoot), a new code of conduct on flag-waving has been drawn up and spectators are asked to ignore …… comply with this in future.

• Flag wavers must apply in advance in triplicate for a “Permit to Wave” (Photographic I.D. and proof of address to accompany application. Bond to be posted – amount to be advised before the next match)
• Flags must not be waved while play is in progress, nor in an overly animated manner. (Penalty for infringement – forfeiture of bond or part thereof. Permit rescinded until bond re-posted)
• Flags must not be waved for more than 10 seconds duration in any one flag waving episode. (Penalty for infringement – forfeiture of address. Permit rescinded until new address supplied)
• Flag waving episodes must be at least two minutes apart. (Penalty for infringement – forfeiture of identity. Permit rescinded until new identity* created. - *NB MB aliases not permitted.)
• Flag wavers must stand at least 1m apart so as not to totally obscure the view from behind. (Penalty for infringement – transfer to Leinster Supporters Club. No permit required for Leinster – They’re not noted for being animated)

Scoop can now exclusively reveal however that further restrictions on spectators’ behaviour will be introduced in coming matches and discussions are ongoing to determine how to solve the problem of Maria ….. the guys with yellow “Specsaver” shirts who run up and down the touchline waving flags and hinder the essential work of the pitch side cameras. Negotiations are also taking place to see if bye-laws can be implemented to allow fans who shout, to be evicted from the ground as the noise interferes with the commentators’ ramblings.

# The new regulations only apply at Ravenhill, as other teams do not have a problem with large numbers of supporters or anything to get excited about.

12 September

SCOOP Tackles URSC Money Bags
Filed for Scoop by our finance correspondent, M Bezzler.

Scoop has unearthed startling new evidence of abuse of funds within the URSC by the very people who are charged with looking after the piggy-bank. In a new twist into the “cash-for-tackle-bags” affair, we have discovered that the Chairman will be quite openly and brazenly enjoying the high life whilst the rest of the proletariat are having to slum it over to Embra on half a bus. We were unable to run the original one to earth, but we have in our possession three statements purporting to have come from him. In the first one he is alleged to have said “of course the funds can be abused by those responsible for them – who else would be in a position to do so?” and he is also reported to have issued a statement in which he states “I'll be over for the Embra game - travelling in my exec jet and staying over in the penthouse down at Gorgie! Tok” Thirdly, tok is reported to have said “I don’t know what all the fuss is about – people have been complaining about the lack of singing at Ravers for some time, and the bus has inspired the Cap’n to come up with a new song for the terrace”

Whilst Scoop is concerned about such blatant abuses of position, we are also aware that Ulster needs every supporter it can muster for this match. Accordingly, we should point out to kimble that this is the wrong stadium and he should head up to Murray’s field for the match on Friday night.

Rest assure, however, that Scoop will be conducting a thorough cover-up …….. investigation of this affair after the match.

30th August

I WAS A RUGBY PLAYER (allegedly) – GET ME OUT OF HERE!
By our Television Correspondent, Cathy D, Raytube.

Breaking news:
Scoop can exclusively reveal that in an attempt to re-launch himself into the public eye, Andy Kershaw has put himself forward for that renowned fashion show for B-class has-beens that is “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here”. Unfortunately for Ant & Dec, Ulster Rugby got him out of here before they got here!

Now all that remains is to see how soon, the proletariat give them before they get Ant & Dec out of here!

29th August

Starkers Sparkers in Bare Bear Scandal.
Filed for SCOOP by our Wildlife Correspondant G.R. Issley.

The second barrier crew today launched disciplinary procedures against three of its newest members after photographs of them with Ulster Mascot Sparky were leaked to SCOOP.

The three junior members had managed to convince Sparky that a famous drinks company were looking for a star for their latest advertising campaign, but unfortunately for Sparky, they spiked his drink in an attempt to make him appear more grown up .

Now, dear reader, you may be aware that bears cannot handle ethanol very well – ….. well, handle it, YES, drink it, NO! But did our three intrepid crew members care?

All three have declined to comment, pending their disciplinary hearing, but Sparky was heard to say “you’re my bestest mates in all the world, ever – hic!” before heading for the woods to do what bears do best in the woods!

Anyone who spots Sparky is asked to make contact as soon as possible, as it is feared that he believes a “Paddy Wallace” blonde rinse will look cute for the advertising contract. In his current state, however, all it will get him is a load of trouble!

29th August

New Safety Regulations Implemented on Terrace for New Season.
Filed for SCOOP by our H&S correspondent, S.T. John

Concerns were raised for medical provision at Ravenhill on Friday night as one befuddled galoot was found collapsed on the terrace early in the second half. Reports elsewhere have hinted at several reasons for this eejit’s condition. One rag suggested simply that he was suffering from an overdose of falling-down-juice, but this has been discounted by regulars at a nearby hostelry who deny that he had been drinking. Unconfirmed reports suggest that “Stand Up”, the URSC comic will carry the story that his condition was brought on in a trice after hearing that one cocky fan had finally got to see the minutes of the URSC committee meetings, but who could believe that, for even ONE minute? Yet another unconfirmed report suggests that he fainted when Kevin Maggs, a half-time substitute, had passed the ball, rather than trying to crash through the Titans’ back line, but there is no evidence this has ever happened, let alone during Friday’s match.

Scoop can now exclusively reveal the real reason for this fan’s discomfort, however. Following on from the shock disclosure that the URSC Committee had recently discussed cheerleaders at Ravenhill, they actually made an appearance on the hallowed turf at half time (who said that kimble was impotent ….. had no influence?) Sadly, this performance was too much for one poor fan and he fainted. Unfortunately for him, with all eyes glued to the girls, no-one noticed his predicament until after the second half resumed. At this point he was tended to by Dr Hobson Guiney, physician to Cherryvalley Ladies XV. Old Guiney declined to be interviewed – not, as we first suspected because of patient confidentiality, but because we didn’t offer enough money. He was overheard to say “He doesn’t look good – nothing to do with his condition, he just doesn’t look good!” before offering to refer him to a plastic surgeon.

We are happy to report that the aged gent, named locally as Michael from Holywood, made a fool (sic) recovery, as even he had to laugh when an avantsack steward instructed him not to faint on the yellow walkway as his head was causing an obstruction.