First it was ballpark, then it was a couple of Ulster players (notably Maxy, Shieldsy and the Panda), but at least they all resurfaced somewhere. On Friday night, however, a complete team went missing in the Ravenhill Triangle – will they ever be seen again?

Last week Scoop reported that the Welsh RFU was considering a reduction in the number of Welsh Regions. There was alarming evidence from Raving Hill on Friday that the process has already begun.

The first signs were evident in the first half of the Scarlets’ match against Ulster with players disappearing - vamoosed, vanished, …….. quicker than consonants from village names on the western side of the Severn Bridge. Thankfully even they each reappeared after ten minutes, but ominously as the match progressed, one player disappeared completely, never to be seen again. Ultimately, the whole Scarlets team went missing, as Scarlets collapsed from a 13-3 lead just before half time to a 30-13 defeat, as this photo shows.

(30 January)
Scoop Personal Announcements

Hatches
We offer our congratulations to BYO on his impending parenthood. Announcing the happy event, BYO is quoted as saying that so long as mother and baby are both healthy, he doesn’t mind if the infant's a byo or a grli!

Matches
Leah/Menace: Scoop is pleased to announce the forthcoming nuptials of Phantom Menace & Princess Leia which will take place a long time ago prior to their honeymoon in a galaxy far far away.

Dispatches
Scoop would like to advise the reader that despite their poor performance in the Heiny, reports of the demise of Welsh rugby are perhaps premature. The patient is still seriously ill and the period of the Six Nations will be critical. An announcement of a post mortem has delayed until then. Of great concern is the possibility that the disease is contagious and may be passed on to Ireland via Comical Eddie who is thought to be a carrier.

For the second year in a row, Wales, the reigning grand slam champions, have failed dismally to get a team into the knock out stages of the European Cup, so joining other European rugby minnows, Scotland and Italy as also rans in this prestigious competition.

Mind you it was a close run thing for Northern Ireland, for without the inclusion of Tommy Bowe, a six county Ulster would surely be added to that list of pathetic failures.

But wait, what is this we hear from the mealy mouths of the West English wannabees?
Scoop can reveal Wales’ latest daring plan to win the Heineken Cup.

Speaking yesterday to Scoop, Scarlets’ boss Gareth Jenkins called for a top-level inquiry into why none of the four remaining Welsh regions reached the knockout stages for the second year running. “I want veteran Welsh figures to indulge in a sober post-mortem into why Wales has failed again, while English, French and Southern Irish teams seem to go from strength to strength.” he said, between mouthfuls of Welsh Rarebit. Sober as well? So not only will there be no brains around the table but there will be no Brains on it either!

And Ospreys chairman Mike James told us he believes that Welsh rugby should look at reducing from four to three regions. One down, three to go seems to be the cry. So which of the original five regions would survive, we ask?

Scoop has learned that this revitalized super regional team will be based in the capital city and will be known as the Cardiff Reds. We also understand that recent market analysis suggests the idea will catch the imagination of the Welsh rugby public. The WRU expects attendances to exceed even those at the Morfa Stadium – it is even being suggested that such will be the demand that the new team will play its pool games at the Millennium Stadium.

Filed for Scoop by our International Rugby Correspondent, Stan d’Off

(25 January)
Paul Steinmetz joins the Second Barrier Crew!

Yes – you better believe it! Scoop is delighted to exclusively reveal the latest member of the second barrier crew. Acting on a tip off from our source in the URSC, our roving reporter was on hand to record the infamous moment when Cap’n Grumpy welcomed none other than International rugby centre, try maker and honorary Ulsterman – Paul Steinmetz – to the Second Barrier Crew!

Seizing the moment, Grumps went on, and on, and on…..and on, in his inimitable style, to outline the benefits that a member of the crew can expect to enjoy. Apparently these include:

• To be as daft as a brush, without fear of ridicule;
• To stand and chant with those of similar disposition at the second barrier up, halfway line, terrace side, preferably when Ulster are playing at home;
• Free Guinness…..some of the time, ie when any of Kimble’s mates are buying;
• To repeatedly explain the finer points of rugby to the fat boys, (the FRU);
• The right to wear a bush hat with long dangly cork thingies;
• To advise Ballpark on what is really wrong with Ulster Rugby;
• To write for Scoop and the FRU – the hardest hitting Maggs ……cyber colour supplements in Ulster Rugby!
• To call himself “Stanley” when participating in ‘radio phone-in’ shows; and
• Free travel on the No 32 bus!

Continued our rugby hero, “On behalf of the crew, may I welcome you on board and I trust that you will take this membership as seriously as I and the rest of my crew.” Then, shaking Paul firmly by the hand he added, “May I remind everyone present what a great honour and privilege this is ……… for Paul!”

In response Paul thanked the Cap’n profusely for his benevolence and patronage, before asking whether he would also be expected to participate in a display of Guru Fire Walking. “Oh gosh, no!” exclaimed Grumps, “that is an old tribal dance only performed by the sages of the Ulster Message Board – grumpy old men like Cables, Eastside Sammy, Cockatrice, Banditt and Browner, Tighty, Powermor….” before adding smugly “….and of course Guru 1, that’s me you know!”

“Oh, you mean like the Haka?” enquired a puzzled Steinmetz. “Well no, it is very, very different to the Haka at the outset,” said Grumps, “although it does apparently appear very similar after the consumption of half a bottle of Scotch! To be honest I can’t really remember.”

“Is there anything else I need to know,” asked a by now bewildered Steinmetz, looking around for a way out. “Well there are a couple of rules….” started Grumps handing him a carrot, but at that point Paul was whisked away by his minder to change out of his working clothes in preparation for a photo call with the suits at Raving Hill and a junket lunch with O’Neill’s, the proud sponsors of the URSC Player of the Month Awards.

Paul Steinmetz appears courtesy of Ulster Rugby and Canterbury Clothing, whose unwitting co-operation in this exclusive is gratefully acknowledged.

Cap’n Grumpy appears to be over dressed.

The rest of the Barrier Crew appear to be courteously absent.

This Scoop exclusive is brought to you by Old MacDonald, a man who knows a lot about silly games and very little about rugby.

Here at SCOOP we are proud to bring you the story that the FRU tried to hush up in order to protect a one-time favourite of the Ravers faithful.

We have discovered that Big Joe Fatty Fijian was returning to the Province in an attempt to resurrect his rugby career (selling his shirt as a roof for the terrace?????). His journey brought him through London where he was first spotted by Stewi-Dewi on his way to Stansted for a flight to Italy. Stopping off at McDonald’s for half a dozen burgers and a just a bucket of fries (well he was travelling alone), Stewi was amazed to see Joe taking his morning constitutional in the Thames. (As our grainy photos here show)

Unfortunately the big fella seemed to be getting into difficulties in the shallow water. Stewi immediately raised the alarm and several passers-by helped to re-float him. Fearing that Joe would then be submerged by hundreds of adoring fans, Stewi hastily concocted a cover story to cover the embarrassment of his fellow FRU member.

Thankfully for big Joe, this was believed by all but our investigative SCOOP investigator, and the media circus moved totally away from the Thames area. Indeed so forgettable was Stewi’s cover story that SCOOP has been unable to ascertain what it actually was.

In the meantime, Joe was last seen barging his way downstream in London and we have a photographer waiting in Belfast in case he attempts to come up the Lagan in a bubble.

Thar she blows                                                                                        Thar she blows
           

Deadball does his impression of Joe Fatty Fijian                        Joe does an impression of Dead Ball “spouting”
surfacing in the Thames.                                                        at the Grove

Suggestions have been made on the UR MB that DB might not have a reflection and doesn’t go out in sunlight for fear of exposing his lack of a shadow. In order to ascertain the truth and dispel these scurrilous rumours, DB contacted SCOOP and agreed to meet with and be photographed by one of our reporters.

Keeping the rendezvous at a secret location in a darkened building, our man waited patiently until nightfall, and was about to leave when he heard a flapping noise and the movement of the curtains. A sudden chilliness descended on the room and without further ado or explanation, Dead Ball stood before him, removed his cape and introduced himself.

Keeping his distance but in an obvious state of agitation he clicked his fingers and immediately a light blazed, and there for our reporter to record stood DB complete with shadow.

Unfortunately, the effect was lost as he immediately started to fight with his shadow, but when the shadow fought back, DB disappeared in a fit of coffin, - vamoosed, vanished, quicker than a ballpark from a message board. Didn’t even leave a forwarding address!

Our intrepid reporter left thinking that maybe the Kevlar polo-neck jumper had been an unnecessary precaution after all, as he swallowed another garlic capsule ….. to ward off the seasonal coughs and sneezes that abound at this time of year, of course.

(18 January)
URSC Committee Loses the Rag!

The remnants of the Ulster Rugby Supporters Club Committee today suffered another blow to their ever diminishing street cred (now lower than a snake’s belly), when it emerged that they had lost their rag flag banner. This noble piece of man made fibre used to hang gloriously outside the Guinness Tent, flanked by smiling members of the committee, bedecked in brilliant white – the colour of their once famous team, as they canvassed unabashed for your money!

Those glory days appear long gone. Said one melancholy fan, “I can’t remember when I last saw the banner; mind you, things change so fast around here now that if you blink you’ll miss the match highlights.”

The banner was apparently last seen being used in the manner of a large umbrella over the second and third barriers during the Sarries game. Since that time it has been as elusive as an Ulster win in the Heineken Cup.

Curious to learn what had become of the famous white duster, Scoop took to the streets of East Belfast to find out. Adopting the approach taken by that infamous American private Eye, Columbo, our rag tag investigative sleuth donned a battered raincoat and caught a bus from the city centre to track down the usual suspects. Armed with anecdotal evidence that the banner had been transported over the border , our man first tracked down the leader of the Bremen Barrier Band, that Jack Ass, Grumps.

Asked point blank what he had done with the flag, Grumps immediately blamed Kimble. “After the Connacht game I wrapped it up in its wee placky bag, secured it with some cheap blue rope and transported it back to Raving Hill,” he brayed. “I had hoped to hand it back to a member of the committee but, well, when I went to their offices there was no one around so I gave it to Kimble after the Glasgow debacle. The next time I saw him he was swinging from the TV gantry impersonating a Japanese sunset. Ask him what he did with it.”

Unfortunately that is as far as we have got. Our search for the original one seems to have drawn a blank. The Ballyholme Hacienda appears to be empty and locked – unlike the man himself after the Glasgow game, who by all accounts was full and blocked.

Has Kimble been caught red handed? Certainly the banner had his palm print all over it the last time it was seen. Will it turn up at Treviso? Is it true that Ulster’s fate, like that of the famous old banner, is hanging by a thread?

Scoop has not got a baldy, but if we find out, or better still, find the banner, rest assured Scoop will be the first to brag about it.

In a follow up investigation to what is not right with Ulster Rugby, Scoop has at last unravelled the truth behind the sudden disappearance of ballpark from the UR Message Board. In fact, our intrepid ‘on the run’ reporter may just have stumbled upon something big here.

What if ballpark was not always right? Indeed, what if some of the time he was only half right? Well which half would it be – the left half or the right half? Obviously it would have to be the right half that was right, because if the left half was right and he was not looking in a mirror at the time then the right half would also appear to be right, which would make him completely right! Therefore it follows that if he were ever half wrong it is the left half that is to blame.

Conversely, if he were looking in a mirror then the right half would no longer appear to be right and, as we have already established that it would be the left half that was wrong, then he would appear to be completely up the left which would make him totally not right at all – in fact he would now appear to be totally wrong.

Now, lets consider the UR Message Board. It is fairly widely believed that the present incumbent is an impostor and that the real ballpark is totally left. Well, for that circumstance to prevail he must no longer be right. In other words he obviously left the board because he was completely wrong. But, if he were now to get something occasionally right, he would presumably be totally right part of the time, which means he could not be left part of the time! That would mean he would reappear and we would have two ballparks in the same place at the same time, part of the time – a sort of a ballpark shimmer?

Scoop would like to acknowledge the contribution of Ambidextrous Productions in the preparation of this exclusive – an organisation that will usually get it right in the end, if left well enough alone.

(10 January)
Fat Controller Prevents Barrier Expert Carrying out Risk Assessment

Scoop can report that a Barrier Expert was prevented from carrying out a risk assessment on fencing & barriers at Ravenhill after the match on Saturday. The Barrier Expert noticing that TV interviews were about to be carried out at the rear of the terrace, realised what a temptation this would be to the children wanting to be in shot. He decided to carry out an on the spot risk assessment of the barrier on which such children would likely climb. Ascending to a height of all of 6 inches, (he’s a daft galoot, but he’s not so daft to risk breaking his neck), his work was interrupted by a conscientious employee of the security staff returning from his break, after eating all the pies.

“Sir, sir, What are you doing, Come on now! Catch yourself on” came the cry.

With razor sharp reflexes, the Barrier Expert descended immediately. He had been waving a flag of Far-Eastern significance which he’d borrowed off a passer-by from Holywood, but he did not wish this conscientious crowd control person to think he was taking the Michael!

Too late, the Fat Crowd Controller’s training kicked in. Whilst the Barrier Expert thanked the passer-by for the loan of his flag, the rotund one politely requested them to move away. This time the response took slightly over half a nanosecond, and that was it. Pushing the man in the general direction of “away”, this jobsworth …. gallant employee, repeated the phrase, which it is presumed he was trained to. “You didn’t respond to my instruction. I’ve been trained to push. I’ve been trained how to push!” Fortunately, thanks to this high level of training, no one was injured in this action as all parties moved nearly two inches. If only the Ulster scrum had this level of skill!

The only slur on the whole proceedings was when our hero (no, not the engineer), having rounded up a posse of his fellow staff, accused this photographer of breaking the law by taking his photograph without permission. It fell to our man from Holywood to explain to him that no illegality had taken place. Besides, he was standing in front of a live TV camera throughout the whole episode!

SCOOP understands that the whole affair was settled amicably with a handshake, and without the services of Kofi Annan.

(10 January)
Royal Mail Fusses as Translink Buses Cash in on Stan Stink Bust Up

In the course of our ceaseless efforts to plumb the depths of the Stanleygate affair, Scoop has surprisingly stumbled upon yet another money spinning racket in East Belfast.

“Need to make an urgent delivery? Forget the Royal Mail; don’t even consider DHL – think Translink!” Or so say those in the know!

Said an insider earlier today, “It’s a wonder we never thought of it before – their vehicles cover all of East Belfast (when we let them) and their passengers live on every street. Just drop your mail with the driver along with a small donation and one of our lads will arrange for a speedy delivery.”