(27 February)
Lake Delia Implicated in Croc Smuggling?

After successfully foiling a bid to illegally transport endangered species from Engerland to somewhere down Mexico way, attention has now shifted to East Belfast in an attempt to discover the holding post of the crocodiles and other reptiles.

Police attention was drawn to this area by an Ulster Rugby fan called Dan, who had been recently discharged from hospital after undergoing psychiatric treatment for a complex delusional disorder. (Scoop understands that he was actually found to be sane - well, nearly). Hitherto, his ramblings about crocodiles, alligators, drinking dens and “Lake Delia” had been taken as the ramblings of a demented man, not out of keeping with one or two other opinions that he expressed.

When arrested near the border those transporting the reptiles refused to speak until they had legal representation. Fortunately there was a poisonous toad and a venomous snake amongst the cargo, so this was quickly remedied. (Deadball’s absence for the past couple of days may or may not be of significance. If “you are an intelligent man, work it out”)

Police are also anxious to question the original kimble, who they believe to be already on the run. The Fugitive is suspected of being involved with a very disreputable crowd, the URSC Committee, who it is rumoured know the location of .Lake Delia.

Other members of the URSC Committee are helping Police with their enquiries – NOT!
(They have however applied to the URSPCA for protection, as they are now endangered!)

Filed for Scoop by our Nature Correspondent, Al E Gator.

Scoop has learnt that the URSC has changed it’s stance on preserving Ravenhill as the home of Ulster Rugby. Sources on the Blindside (UAFC), as opposed to the Darkside (URMB), have revealed that plans are in place to relocate to an area of waste ground on Belfast’s Shank Hill Road.

We learnt from our hidden bug that the decision to re-locate was taken after the Chairman discovered that recent meetings about bugging where in fact being bugged.

Discussions are believed to be under way with Belfast Planning (BP) to rename the “Shank” as “Raving”. Scoop has also learnt that a development contract has been awarded to a former shebeen known as the “Knee-Breakers” in the expectation that a full contract will be available when the site is fully developed as a state of the art training facility and URSC Social Club.

When asked about this, a Spokesman for UR was unavailable for comment, but MR commented “No comment – but please leave the money and go”

Further details may or may not be released in the next issue of “The Red Hand”, the URSC Newsletter, or on a Muriel on an end gable wall near you.

Filed for Scoop by our URSC Newsletter Correspondent, Red Hand Luke.

Cockatrice the slightly Penitent makes a very good point in his submission to the UAFC in respect of election procedures vis-à-vis the URSC panel of no hopers. But what really catches the imagination is his reference to the mystery committee member. Wait ‘til Deadbeat gets his gums into this one!

Mind you, given the events of the past year the mystery member must be mightily relieved that he had the foresight to jump ship before he had even reached the foot of the gangway.

But this strange report raises more questions than answers……I mean – think about it!

Did this person write a letter of resignation, I wonder? And if so did they sign it? Presumably not, or we would know who they were (and presumably still are).

But then, if it was not signed how did the committee know who it was from. I mean somebody was elected and then resigned. Was it all done with the lights out? Did someone sneak out when they weren’t looking? I can hear the remaining members forming an orderly queue….

"‘It was from me – look – it’s in my wife’s hand writing…..’

No, its not, you never knew how to spell bollocks….’

‘Away with you both – it’s my letter – see – I always write in blood….."

And so the identity of the incredible shrinking committee continues to confuse – perhaps they take it in turns….

" I say Stanley old chap, would you like to borrow the resignation letter this week – I mean it will get you out of having to reply to that beastly Dead Chappie again – you know, what’s his name, the one who tried to steal our minute book?"

"No, no dear boy, I have already sent him a very detailed reply – I gave it to our former Events Convenor to deliver by hand – what with the postal strike and all that one always needs to plan ahead!"

Meanwhile, back at a manhole outside the Rosetta Bar…….

This has been another Scoop exclusive, brought to you compliments of Harpic. You know when you’ve used Harpic – it’s clean round the bend!

(17 February)
Strikers sound last post for post strike.

Scoop can exclusively reveal that the Belfast postal strike is entering its final hours after both sides saw sense (and an escape route whilst still blaming the other side).

Said a Royal Male Spokesman, Billy King, “When we heard that the URSC News Letter had finally been printed and that arrangements were in hand to distribute it via Translink Buses, we really had no option. We voted magnananananamously to go back – we don’t want to be blamed for communication difficulties between the URSC and its members – that’s what the committee’s there for.”

“Besides – this sort of unofficial action threatens the very livelihood of our members, so it does, so we have decided to go back to work, so we have.”

Scoop is unclear as to which sort of unofficial action Mr King was referring, but we assume it is to URSC’s habit of liaising closely with the free market economy operating around Raving Hill.

Meanwhile the local residents seemed relieved that life would soon be back to normal. Said one, "It is as plain as the ears on a prop forward’s neck that if the URSC had got their act together earlier, this stoppage could have been sorted weeks ago and so could the mail, so it could!"

Speaking on behalf of the URSC, an unnamed spokesman called Stanley said, “Speaking personally, for myself, but not necessarily on behalf of the URSC, I can’t really say whether I am glad to see these recalcitrant, belligerent, lazy, good for nothing dogs back or not, cos I don’t have my false teeth in.”

A spokesperson for the UR Branch said, “We have nothing to say to you or the URSC for that matter, so please just give us the money and go away.”

Meanwhile, Scoop is investigating reports that a large man in a kilt has been caught red handed flushing envelopes down the ladies loo in the Rosetta bar. Working closely with Wee Willie, (he of lost marlies fame) we have recovered one of these letters, which was in a URSC embossed envelope. It appears to be addressed to a Mr or Mrs D Ba….the ink has run and the letter itself is very indistinct. We have cleaned it up and reproduce a fragment here.

Filed for Scoop by our men of letters, Frank D. Mail and N.V. Lope

Have you seen the new news in the News Letter – the URSC News Letter? Of course not, but it is due out very, very, very soon (that is URSC speak for about two months), or as soon as they can tap Mike Reid for a book of second class stamps.

Any how, Scoop has got hold of a rush copy, all four pages of it, in which the committee invites fans who can blow their own trumpet to join a band. If they pull this one off it will make global warming look more like a fart in the Arctic!

“What kind of band?” we asked incredulously at URHQ, only to be met by blank stares. Well, nothing different there, we hear you mutter, but for once they did have something to say.

“The only thing banned around here is Kenboss!” said a young man called Ed. “We have banned him ‘cos he said some very rude things an’ that about Ulster Rugby an’ that an’ how they can’t play rugby an’ all an’ never win anything and when they lose how like its always Eddie’s fault an how can he be blamed an’ that cos its not his fault they’re crap like an’ like how stupid their fans are an’ like its not as if it is Super Munster or the Irish team I’m talkin’ about - so he did!”

“Oh, an’ he don’t speak proper either cos he weren’t learned proper at school like. So we banned him – so there!”

“An’ I have nothing else to say an’ you can quote me on that ‘cos Mike says nobody believes what you write anyway, so he did!”

Scoop would like to point out that the views expressed by Ed in this article are not necessarily those of the Second Barrier Crew, although there have been times in the recent past when we have wavered more than a little in that direction.

(14 February)
Won’t you be my Valentine?

Seventy seven years ago today, the world woke up to the shocking news that someone had rubbed out seven of George ‘Bugs’ Moran’s bootleg whisky gang in a Chicago gangland killing spree. While it was widely believed to be Capone who was behind the St Valentine’s Day Massacre, nothing was ever proved.

But times have changed, the world has moved on, and although you may be ‘dying for a drink’; you no longer have to kill to get one.

Take Raving Hill for example. While ordinary card carrying members may be banned from our name’s sake, the Scoop bar, for attempting to buy over the counter liquor for all their mates, it is a well known fact that under the barrier Guinness (or bootleg stout as it is more commonly known) is freely available on the terraces – so much so that at the last game Scoop reporters were actually seen giving the stuff away free.

So how will the Raving Hill faithful be celebrating the day of mystery and romance this year? Given the doubt over postal services in South and East Belfast, Scoop is pleased to lend a hand to the supporters who saw this as their opportunity to kiss and make up. So, hot of the press as it were, we bring you the Raving Hill Valentines.

To David Humphreys, from a secret admirer.
No matter the match, no matter the form,
I’ll stick with O’ Gara, for that is my norm.
But thanks for coming along for the ride
and watching the matches from a bench on the side!

To the Best “triplets”, posted from Dublin.
I long for thee
I yearn for three
So all of the Bests
Won’t you PINE for me?

To Tommy, from an Irish team mate.
They love your legs, they love your style
They say you can run for many a mile
But I don’t care much for your class –
it won’t be me who makes the first pass!

To Cockatrice, from an ex member of the URSC Committee.
Did you resign or were you pushed;
or like me, were you ambushed?
So why not pop round for a drink
And we’ll tell the MB what we think!

To Cockatrice, from a very important person.
Please don’t go, I’ll miss you so
The tales you told set my heart aglow,
So now how will UR leak the facts
without me having to watch my back?

To Andrew Maxwell, from someone almost as important.
Mark my words and Mark them well!
You may think you’re better than Johnny Bell.
But I’ll stand behind my mates
even if they’re second rate!

To Deadball, from his only admirer.
If I popped the question would you say yes?
Or demand who was asking – well why not just guess?

To Ballpark, from Scoop.
BP, please come back -
since you went, there’s been no craic;
and if you’d write for us about a game
we promise that we’ll append your name!

To Mike Reid, from some disorganised supporters group.
You’re the boss, that we know,
and we don’t count, for you’ve told us so
But we think that it is so unfair,
when you take our money without a care.

To Stanley, from a member of the BBC.
Stan, Stan, you’re quite a man -
more of a stool pigeon than a fan.
But what I’d really like to know
is who told you to ring my show?

To Craftynick, from a well wisher!
Crafty is as crafty does
but can you avoid young Jamesie’s paws?
He’s made his intentions crystal clear,
so best go easy on the beer!

To Eastside Sammy, from Anonymous.
I love you in red; I love you in green;
but most of all when you’re rude and obscene.

And finally….to the Events Sec Man, from the 2BU Crew.
We love when you shout,
we love when you bellow,
in that East Belfast accent…
STAND CLEAR OF THE YELLOW!

(13 February 2005)
Ulster Branch Trips Back in Time.

Well, while the team may be pants away from home and the URSC may be pantaloons at organizing away trips, Scoop has learned that the Branch have certainly got a firm grip on their trousers and excelled themselves by organizing trips back in time.

Yes, it’s true, just click on this link and you will be offered the chance to buy tickets for Ulster’s forthcoming games against Leinster and Saracens, plus the Biarritz game, once the date has been agreed with SKY. It seems that it’s not only our politicians who are living in the past.

Asked about this sensational development, Mike Reid admitted that he was sticking to the old adage, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, then try, try again!‘ Speaking to Scoop earlier today he said, “That’s what my old Granny always said, and if she had been a man I am sure she would have got a trial for Ulster.”

“As for this season”, he continued, “we learned so much about ourselves in those recent matches and, given our recently developed time machine we are confident we can now win them, given the chance to play them again, for the first time as it were.”

So will the fans take to this new venture? We asked a well known member of the Grousebeaters who looked quite bewildered at the thought. “Did we lose those games”, he asked. “I was sure we won them all, and it seems like it was only yesterday.”

Said a member of the Second Barrier Crew; “It seems to me it’s just another money spinning racket - I’m not going to pay over and over again to see the same old rubbish – it was bad enough second time around”.

And as for Mikes old Granny, does he intend to travel back in time to arrange a sex change for her and perhaps change the course of Ulster Rugby for ever? “Well, let’s see if we can beat Toulouse in last year’s final at Murrayfield first”, was all he would say, before apparently heading off to watch Ireland’s record breaking come from behind win in Paris last weekend. Come to think of it – if he did manage to meet up with the old girl and make the necessary arrangements, would he disappear into the ether, having never existed?

You know, Ulster might just yet have chance at winning that 2005 final!

Filed for Scoop by our Sports Correspondent, Ed de Ball

In a startling attack on Ulster Rugby, The FRU has accused the Ulster Rugby Admin of the current crisis besetting the selection process for secondary education – the 11 Plus to you and me!

Speaking after yesterday’s very successful cross party debate on the future of NI secondary education, FRU’s Fat Spokesman, Dewi Barnes-Wallace, (whose father invented the bouncing bomb while learning to swim in the "Promenade Pools"), said, and we quote, “If admin could get off their asses they could easily weed (these people) out. But we've seen their lack of activity and willingness to put any effort into this board through the schools fiasco.”

While Dewi was not specific about which board he had in mind Scoop understands that it is in fact the North Eastern Education and Library Board, whom he holds singularly responsible for his lack of education.

We tried to contact Mr Barnes-Wallace earlier today in connection with his allegations but we understand he is on a day trip to Stranraer. Said his wife, “Dewi loves to water ski, but given his bulk the only way he can participate these days is if he gets a tow from the HSS. I expect him home later this evening. By the way, do you know he is in talks with Richard Branson? He fancies a crack at the Blue Riband behind Virgin Atlantic Challenger!”

Well, we have news for you Dewi – that one is for crossing the Atlantic and you aren't allowed to refuel en route! Imagine that – no pies ‘n pints for three whole days. Still interested, big man?

This has been a joint production for Scoop by our Education Correspondent, Una O’Level and our Shipping Correspondent, Galway Hooker.

Contrary to our usual claim of “If it’s in the news, it’s in Scoop – eventually”, we can exclusively reveal ahead of the competition that the Fez-Heads are considering sacking their director of Rugby, Neil Diamond.

Following a run of 5 straight defeats in the Stout premiership and numerous unpolished performances in all competitions, Sarries CEO Mark Sindercurrant believes that Diamond has lost his edge and sparkle.

It is expected that Sinderwassisname will announce within the next week that former Wannabies coach Eddie Jones will be taken in by the club in a Consultancy role. Speaking off the record, he is quoted as saying that “in a situation such as this, experience is vital, and whilst we have recently lost eight out of ten matches, Jones is obviously better after losing eight out of NINE.”

If Diamond is sacked, Ulster CEO Mike Reid is reported to be interested in signing him to do the half-time entertainment at Raving Hill. “Sweet Caroline” will sound so much sweeter if performed “live”.

Mr Diamond was unavailable for comment as he is thought to be on the road (Brooklyn Roads) with Brother Love’s Travelling Salvation Show

Watch this Space for developments!

Scoop can exclusively reveal that the proposed redevelopment of the Terrace at Raving Hill has been amended following representations by the second barrier crew. Leaked documents which we have been shown, reveal the new improved facilities that crew members and associates can expect in the future. Following the reduction in ground capacity when the redevelopment takes place, it has been decided that the central walkway (at the half-way line) will no longer be required. Rather than dispense with it entirely, however, the Branch has decreed that it will be preserved as a “Thirst Conflict Resolution Centre” (or “Terrace-ists’ Museum”). Mindful that the present facilities on match nights look like this, the branch has decided to upgrade them to something like this.

Speaking on behalf of the crew, tok said, “Speaking on behalf of the crew, we are absolutely tickled red & white (pink) that not only will we be able to walk our traditional route on the yellow line, but sit at it too. I’m inclined to say that we’ll be proud to stand up for the Ulstermen here, and if the picture’s anything to go by, we’ll be even more inclined when we sit down.”

Speaking on behalf of the URSC, an un-named spokesman called Stanley said, “Speaking personally, on behalf of myself* or the committee* (*delete as appropriate), and I am unanimous in this, I would like to welcome these proposals. We had proposed a list of proposals on behalf of all our members, but clearly the Branch pays more attention to these galoots than it does to us. From here on it is clear that from here on in, they will be the ones with the list …… to starboard …… or port …… or hot port …… Sorry, what was the question again?”

The second barriers boys, ever thoughtful of the needs of others have asked that the Event Sec Security Controller who constantly whines “Clear the yellow lines!” should not lose his job. Instead he is to be re-trained as a “whine waiter/bar-steward” waiting at tables on the yellow line.