Irish manager Eddie O'sullivan managed to convince himself of yet another Irish Rugby revival after a poor Irish side beat an even worse Welsh one.

As Ireland talk themselves into a false dawn even bigger than Wales' false dawn of last year it should be remembered that until Stephen Jones departed injured that Wales had completely outplayed Ireland in all aspects of the game.

While Jones was on he was able to make breaks at will through the huge channels either side of O'Gara who yet again struggled and is becomming a serious concern for Ireland.

There were still plenty of problems up front with Hayes, yet again, being given hanggliding lessons.

What's Fat and Runs?

The FRU and SCOOP are pleased to announce that they have managed to pull together a Relay Team for the Belfast City Marathon on Monday 1st May 2006.

The team which consists of Dewi Barnes (FRU, Captain), Tighthead Prod (FRU, Vice Captain), Cap'n Grumpy (SCOOP, Medical Expert), The Original Kimble (SCOOP, President in Waiting, Treasurer, Entertainments Co-ordinator, T Shift Procurer, Sponsorship Procurer and Keeper of the Memorandum of Understanding) and Wee Kimble (Unattached, General Assistant to Mr Kimble) brings together two of the oldest and most bitter factions of the Ulster Message Board.

Speaking to himself Mr Barnes, Editor of FRU and Team Captain stated,

"It's a bit like the Ulster - Munster rivalry. They fight when they play each other but sure when they play for Ireland they fight even more. No seriously, we admire the work of our competitors in SCOOP (sure its the same as ours only its out a few days later) and we are looking forward to training with them. Hopefully we will raise a lot of money for charity."

Speaking on behalf of SCOOP Kimble replied,

"We are really pleased to be associated with the FRU for this charity run. They are so fat they will make me and the Cap'n look slim, well me anyway! Vote Kimble for President."

The team will be running for the local Alzheimers and Parkinsons charities in Omagh and Beragh. The charities have been selected by "The News Letters Rugby Guru" Richard Mulligan.

Kimble - Where did you get that description from?
Barnes - He told me to write it!

Richard, a veteran of the New York and Beijing marathons, will be running/stumbling/walking the entire 26 and a bit miles.

There is still plenty of time to enter the Marathon Team Relay. If you'd like to be involved contact us here!

Just so you know what's involved check out the first installment of our Training Diary. At the moment it's just Cap'n Grumpy as he's the only one that has started training.

Kimble has now added his diary. Check it out here.

Letters to the Editor

Hey Ed(die)

It hasn’t gone un-noticed that this week’s edition is missing its usual “I – Prod (An occasional piece by our resident tech head and general man about town - Tighthead Prod.)” article.

It has been rumoured that there are several possible reasons for this

1. The daft eejit’s run out of ideas.
2. The other daft eejit (you) forgot to collect his thoughts from/for him.
3. Another daft eejit (Eddie – is that you too?) has him in Dublin at a training camp for the front row against Scottyland.
4. The Political Correctness Police have him in custody.
5. He’s injured – broke a finger nail typing his article.

So which one is it, and can you use the other 4 excuses to keep him out of FRU for the next four weeks Issues too? (I.e. about six or seven weeks.)

Yours,

S Best.

At last weeks awards ceremony in the Europa Hotel the inaugural Golden Fig Leaf was Scooped by none other than Ms Incense Herrity, a hitherto unknown ghost writer who has only recently come to the attention of the Ulster public through the publication of her work on the UAFC Message Board.

Apparently hired by none other than President in Waiting, The Original Kimble, on account of his inability to be serious about anything for more than a few seconds, Ms Herrity has been tasked with promoting the cause of common sense; reasonableness; peace and love within the schisms of Ulster Rugby’s die hard supporters. “If only the five of them would kiss and make up”, she said, after the celebration dinner. “They can borrow some of mine if need be – I find the Estee Lauder range ideal for my complexion.”

The much sought after accolade owes its origins to a cretin certain Mr Ball Park, rugby pundit, raconteur, and guardian of all that is good about Ulster Rugby. Since this last aspect of his vocation leaves him with little to write about these days, he very generously agreed to chair the Golden Fig Leaf Awards Committee. The award is given in recognition of those who try to disguise their hypocrisy through satirical writing hidden behind the fig leaf of apparent anonymity.

Mr Park, who has considerable experience of how committees should be run, said after the ceremony, “I am delighted to see such obvious talent being recognised for what it really is!”

As promised we have caught up with the heir apparent on his election campaign. The non- existent election manifesto has gone down well in many of the friendlier URSC strongholds. Mr Kimble was able to catch up with a few members this week to remind them why he was the ‘King pin’ of the organisation.

Kimble outlines his manifesto to his adoring supporters.

It is hard to believe but the pollsters have him lagging behind a new candidate who has decided to throw his hat in the ring at the last minute.

FRU find five people who (nearly) care. © FRU Opinions Polls

So the new leader in the Presidential Elections is none other than Gary who has put forward a very strong manifesto. We can now reveal he has four main points to his manifesto.

1. Commitment – Yes Gary sights the fact he has supplied more resignations than had hot dinners is not a contradiction to his commitment to Ulster Rugby! Oh and the URSC as well.

2. Responsibility – He points to some of the high points in URSC calendar as proof that he is not afraid to take responsibility for these events. He was unavailable for comment on the Munster trip fiasco.

3. Accountability – He states he will make sure the club is accountable to all it’s members. But states “he will be hard on dissenters and hard on the sources of dissenters”.

4. Productivity – He guarantees that all on the committee will produce a club that will be the envy of the whole rugby world.

It is easy to see why his CRAP campaign could be so appealing to some. Why he even has Sparky buying into it and has officially joined his campaign.

Sparky shows his support for Gary.

As always the FRU, the trusted choice, will seek to keep you informed of any updates on this and other developments in this exciting run for URSC office. We also hope to catch up with this new candidate to afford him the same opportunity as TOK to put forward his views on all things Ulster Rugby.

Political correspondent Ira D Commissioned

The FRU can now disclose that a major plot to fix match scores in the PRO League has been foiled. It appears that an investigation is now under way as to how this could have happened. A spokesman for the PRO League stated,

“Well there are proper ways and procedures to deal with this type of thing. We will of course be diligent in leaving no stone unturned and will stick closely to the guidelines as set out in our constitution. We have brought an expert in to assist and Mr. Graham will be assisting us the whole way through our investigations.

“It is not the predictions that were allegedly fixed it was the actual game itself. There will now be a full and transparent investigation, the results of which will be published in the suitable media journals. Due process restricts me from discussing it any further at the moment, other than to say we as club committee will meet after 5 to discuss the issue in detail”.

It has involved at least one member, who we can only refer to as ‘J’ for legal reasons, of the PRO League who has stooped to new lows in recent weeks and has even threatened violence with a female participant. This member has been seen colluding in these photos and it is clear to most something shady has been going on.

Sadly other glitterati from the message board have also been identified as being involved. We can not name the gentlemen involved as it is felt the investigation may clear him from involvement.

We will hope to have more information in the coming days.