Ulster 63     Borders 17

Borders came to Ravenhill to play what could be a life and death fight for their survival. Unfortunately it looks as though they will shortly be extinct.

Ulster cruised to a bonus point after only 19 minutes and despite a couple of convulsive gasps once Ulster lifted their foot of their necks, the Border boys were crushed convincingly with a further 5 tries.

Last of a dying breed? Gallant Borders fans!

Paddy Wallace played a fine game in the center coming on for an injured Jonny Bell after 8 minutes in what looks like the unfortunate Bell's last game for the Red Hand.

Ulster Legend Tyrone Howe came on to a hero's welcome in the second half. (See Tyrone 100 Pictures in the Pics Drop Down on the menu bar.)

Letters to the Editor.

Dear Sir,

Following recent allegations that a sailor with rugby connections has tested positive for banned substances, I would just like to reassure your reader that the said matelot is NOT a member of the second barrier crew.

I run a tight ship, but the crew never get tight on anything other than stout, lager, beer, whisk(e)y, rum, brandy, port or indeed, prescription drugs.

The fact that cables has spent a significant time in Australia, the source of these allegations, is also entirely co-incidental.

Genially yours,

Cap’n Grumpy

Dear Sir,

Re. your quiz question for this week "Is Young Man poor?", my answer is "yes".

Do I win a prize?

Yours etc.,

Gary Grousebeater.

Dear sir?

With reference to my last submission, I fear I may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick. My fellow GB, Boomshanka, has read the thing and advised me that there isn't actually a quiz about YM.

I must study your organ more closely in future.

Yours etc

Gary Grousebeater.
ED - You'll be able to study my organ more closely on Friday. I'll bring a copy.

Sir

Could I ask if either of your readers can tell me, so I can tell my reader, why Warren Gatland is coaching rugby rather than playing it if he can run as fast as is claimed? I can understand his disappointment at not being credited with the outright 100m sprint record, but even the joint record that he is credited with surely means that he would be a useful player to have on the wing. Are his ball handling skills not up to scratch?

Thirsting for knowledge,

Yours etc

Pressie

Dear sir?

Judging by his photograph, Warren Gatwick seems to have altered his appearance somewhat since his Ireland days. I can't quite put my finger on it - but there's definitely something a bit different.

His obvious speed would be an asset on the wing, but his ball handling and scratching problems might make him unpopular with his team mates.

Personally I would stick with Maxwell who, as far as I'm aware, has no difficulty with handling or scratching the balls
+
Regards

Gary Grousebeater

Is YoungMan Poor?

The FRU were somewhat surprised to spot local entrepreneur and general "Good Time Charlie" YoungMan slumming it in the beer tent on Friday night prior to kick off.

Had his empire collapsed? Will the FRU ever see the remaining £1,999,990 of their £2,000,000 sponsorship deal? These were questions that jumped to the forefront of the FRU's mind, however they need never have worried.

It transpired that YoungMan was there in an unselfish act of charity helping a homeless family from Derry. These three young ladies were definitely impressed with YoungMan's generosity and when asked to rate him on a scale of 0 - 2 one of the girls was heard to say, "I'll give him one!"

INTISTT Standings

Just like Ulster, Cap'n Grumpy looks to be pulling away at the top of the table. However things are hotting up in Division 2 with Paddy X making a last minute surge up the table and is now only 2 points behind Crafty.

Click below for full listings.

My Old Man is a Pervy Fan.

The elder statesman of Boy's on Tour shocked regulars in the Scoop Bar by showing an alarming interest in a young lady.

This was something of a surprise as up until now no member of the BOT entourage had ever shown the slightest interest in the ladies but seemed content to drink and sing after the match in a macho expression of male bonding.

However the old BOT member broke ranks and proceeded to seek out Sponge Bob Square Pants at every opportunity.

Other members of BOT are becoming worried about their old man as this latest incident follows closely on the infamous "Sister Sandwich" suggestion from last week.

The people in this picture have been disguised to protect the innocent and the senile or both!(However you can see the original picture on Tyrone 100 Page 4.)

Competition Corner.

There will be more player appearances through the summer with the next one being at the Fairhill Center in Ballymena on the 25th May at 6pm. Come along and meet some of the team!

The FRU will award a FRU T-Shirt hopefully signed by some of the ULSTER TEAM for the best photograph of you and player in the most amusing shirt/s.

Below are some of the entries to date.

Dear FRU Sir,

Please accept these two entries into your competition for Ulster Rugby players wearing fans’ merchandise. Both photos were taken “down under” last year before they signed for Ulster (I hope that doesn’t disqualify) when I am ashamed to say I was doing some recruitment work for a rather disreputable company.

One of them even got me to bring Mr Harrison’s hat and they never paid me what they owed (for the hat or the work) – indeed thanks to them I lost the shirt off my back! Perhaps winning your prize will go some way to restoring my fortunes.

Yours etc, etc,
R. Constable.

AS YOU CAN SEE THE ULSTER BOYS ARE UP FOR THIS SO GET ALONG WITH YOUR SHIRTS OR GET DOWN TO FRIDAYS MATCH.

SEND YOUR ENTRIES TO thefru@btinternet.com