| Issue 7 |
27 January 2006 |
| |
DEEP HEAT
The very mention of the words "Deep Heat"
immediately transports readers of a certain age to a bygone era
of long bushy sideburns, long hair, having hair at all and the comforting
but eye watering aroma of Deep Heat Mentholatum Rub. Some are even
reminded of the exact time ,date and location when, after administering
liberal doses of said embrocation to various parts of their anatomy,
they foolishly had the obligatory "pre match pee" without
washing their hands - YELP !!!
However it was a rather different aroma of "Deep
Heat" that has been pervading the message boards this week
– namely the whiff of Jamesie’s testosterone
as he shamelessly stalks any female in site (sic). Indeed, given
Jamesie’s penchant for the camera, we at the FRU were wondering
if a career in films was beckoning for him, rather than "the
law". He could audition for "Rooster" Spielberg’s
new movie "An Ulster Gigolo in London".
PS Jamesie - A word of warning – Ckav’s
coat is made from the skin and hair of previous failed suitors .
You have been warned !!!
|
|
| |
Interview With Mark McCall.
The FRU had arranged an interview with Mark McCall
for last week. Unfortunately he was too busy training the players
for their match against Treviso. He did kindly agree to give us
an interview in Italy on the night before the Treviso game.
After waiting for four hours in the hotel bar our
intrepid reporter woke from his slumbers just as the team arrived
after their trip from hell. He was just about to go up to Mark and
claim his interview when Mark was physically grabbed by rotund Chief
Exec Mike Reid.
"Mark! You haven't time for the FRU interview.
They are only supporters after all. I've a very important person
for you to meet and he has an interesting suggestion for you. Come
quickly now SheiK Al-kenbossus Bin-bogman doesn't like to be kept
waiting"
On hearing this our reporter reached inside his coat
pocket for his patented "Mike Reid Bugging Device" and
pretending to stumble fell against Mark McCall managing to secrete
the bug at the same time.
What follows is the shocking story of lies and betrayal
from the upper echelons of Ulster Rugby.
|
MR: Mark I'd like you to meet Sheik Al-kenbossus.
MMcC: Hello Al. Bout ya!
Al-k: Begorrah hows about ye tooo Mark.
MMcC: Why are you speaking in a Monster accent
and why are you wearing womans clothes?
Al-k: Ah ey (cough). This is the traditional
dress of the Tribe Plasticalpaddyal! We have modelled ourselves
on your famous Monster Supporters and we follow them all over
the world with our camel train!
MMcC: But I'm not from Monster. I'm an Ulster
man.
Al-k: Ah but Mark we would like you to become
the manager of the world famous Monster and we'd like you to bring
some of your players with you. We have already given Mr Reid the
traditional brown envelope to facilitate such a transaction.
MR: I told you not to mention the brown envelope
Al.
MMcC: What players would you like me to bring?
|
|
Al-k:
If my tribe is to buy the Monster team we would want you to bring
Trimble, Boss, Bowe and of course the blessed Humphreys.
MMcC: But if I did that I would rip out the heart,
soul and future of Ulster Rugby. Mike how could you even think of
such a thing?
MR: Mark there's enough money in this brown envelope
to buy us new executive facilities for the Ulster Rugby Board Members.
Beside the supporters would come and watch any old side play at
Ravehill, look at last year and look how many of the fools are over
here.
MMcC: You do what you want Mike but I will never
sell out the supporters. I bet you tomorrow they will turn Treviso
into Ravenhill and we will score six tries.
Mark storms out with Reid following after.
MR: If that happens I will walk round ravenhill
for the rest of the season with my head stuck up my ass.
And so it came to pass. |
|
|
Meeting With
Mark McCall
Following on from Dead Ball’s claims to
have had lunch with MMc at the Europa, (Player Spotting
- http://www.uafc.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=668&start=75
) we can now exclusively reveal photographic evidence which
kinda supports his claim (sort of).
We do not have photos of them together, but we are reliably informed
that on the day in question, MMc did in fact have lunch at an establishment
NEARLY of that name (as our first photo shows), and we can also
confirm that DB works there serving on tables to supplement his
income and pay his way through lawyer school. |
| |
|
Letter to the Editor
Dear Sir,
Your reader may be aware of the transcript of an interview
with me that was printed in the match programme of last Friday’s
game against the West English Reds. I would like to point out to
the reader that this interview took place over a week ago, otherwise
my answer to the question;
“What is your most memorable encounter
with a supporter?” definitely would not have
been
“Having oranges thrown at us before
the start of a match”.
Obviously, since last Tuesday, the experience of meeting
Grumpy and being inducted into the “crew” makes that
answer seem rather daft, - galootish even. Accordingly, I apologise
to the Cap’n for any confusion or slight that may have inferred.
Incidentally, my actual answer to the question was
“Having FRUit thrown at us by a FAT MAN before
the start of a match”!
Yours most sincerely
Paul Stonemason.
Dear Sir
On behalf of Dead Brain, I would like to know if Mr
Stanley d’Off, reporting in that scurrilous article in your
subsidiary tabloid rag, Scoop, was writing as a private individual,
or was he representing the views of the UnReliable
Scoop Committee?
Somebody somewhere possibly has a rite 2 no!
Yours etc,
Cockatrice.
|
| |
|
I - Prod
|
SHOULD
COCKATRICE BE CAGED ?
After reading of our favourite feathered fiend's - sorry friend's
- plight, the FRU was contacted by none other than Mr Kofe
Annan - General Secretary of the FRU's sister organisation
- the United Nations (the UN).
Mr Annan pledged his and the UN's full support for CT. He undertook
to raise CT's situation with other world leaders and, if necessary,
campaign for a full public Enquiry into the facts surrounding the
parking fine incident. Mr Annan opined, ''State collusion against
any individual - no matter how insignificant or deluded - should not
to be tolerated ''.
In the interests of balanced reporting the FRU feel it is necessary
to put on record that not all callers have been as sympathetic to
CT's situation. One such person - a corpulent individual who did not
wish to be identified ,so we'll call him MR.... - stated, ''he hoped
CT got all that he deserved as the wee upstart had caused him nothing
but grief with his grandiose ideas and schemes''. (MR... was last
seen heading towards a well known chippy in the vicinity of Mt Merrion,
where he is believed to have a substantial ''slate'').
On its own behalf the FRU wishes to strongly refute any suggestion
that it has been in ongoing communication with Kofe Annan's son and
in particular that there has been any discussion about the merits
of various cleansing agents for red and green diesel.
|
| |
|
| The PRO League Charity Auction Update.
First of all we at the PRO League would like
to thank everyone for the generosity. We had some very generous
bids mad on some of the objects. With this being the case we thought
it might be nice to have a special feature on those who have given
so generously.
|
We first caught up with Albert
that most plucky of benefactors. Albert who has been well known for
his generosity to those less fortunate than himself bid £1500.00
for Dead Ball’s Ravenhill get up. Unfortunately since making
the bid his own predictions league has hit the skids with people turning
in their droves to the PRO League. We caught up with Albert but he
declined to
comment. |
 |
Crafty got involved even though she
had been very ill of recent times she managed to raise her finger
and bid on some objects. She said that even though she couldn’t
quite fit into Paddy X’s pants she was delighted to take part
in the charity auction and see the whole of her £1 go to the
Charity. She illustrated the problem she had with Paddy’s
pants while playing a tennis match at David Loyds.
So a big thank you to all those who took part and we look forward
to having another auction soon. |
 |
Some other news this week is that The
Original Kimble is in talks with the FRU to take part in this year’s
Panto. This would bring the FRU and Scoop’s relationship ever
closer. It is reported the Cap’N is not happy about the move
and said to be meeting with Dopey and Sleepy, the others from his
group split after he adopted the title of Captain. We caught up
with Kimble while he was getting ready for the rehearsals.
Anyway we at the PRO League are delighted with the
success as always and are delighted to have the support of you our
faithful readership and you can rest in the knowledge that the money
donated will go entirely to its main aim. |
 |
Could
we also take this opportunity to remind all readers that Paddy and
Dead Ball will be away this week on important business in the Cayman’s.
|
|
|
Lazy Bones Maggs Unable
to do ‘arm to Ulster’s Title Hopes!
(Reported for FRU by Doctors Doolittle
& Often) Fans who have noticed that Kevin Maggs’
is not on the teamsheet for the Scarlets’ match may be aware
that he has recently undergone surgery to his arm. The “official”
line being touted from “The Ulster” is that Maggsy has
had bits of bone removed from his elbow and unfortunately is now
sitting on it and recovering well.
SCOOP can now exclusively reveal the story that even the Fizzio
bench couldn’t get which is that thankfully, none of the bits
of bone actually belonged to Maggsy and he is still 100% crash-bang-wallop
intact (plus a few stitches).
We can even bring you pictures of the bones removed from Maggsy,
care of the wonders of medical teleconferencing.
|
| |
|
