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Issue 5	8 January 2006 to 15 January 2006
The PRO League in association with Chin Chin.
While others associated with Ravenhill were doing deals with ‘Mickey Mouse’ brands we at the PRO league were securing a deal of our own. We are thus pleased to announce our association with a new sponsor, that most famous of professional health drinks, the Chin Chin Drinks Co. You are no doubt already very familiar of their market leader Grass Jelly Drink. Yes no doubt you just love the idea of those chunks running down the back of your throat hmmm.	Cheep and Common "Mickey Mouse" brand.
In recent months there has been a rush for famous leagues and their players to associate themselves with leading multinationals and worldwide health providers. We at the PRO League felt it was important to follow this trend. Mr S Morris, Chin Chin Sport Brand Manager, announced the deal saying: "At Chin Chin, it is important for us to make sure that we back top local and international Predictioners, both men and women and one way in which we do so is through League sponsorships”. "Each of their players has already proven themselves in club rugby, provincial rugby and on the international stage. They are well known to anyone who follows Ulster and Irish Rugby, so are the ideal ambassadors for our brand”.	Quality Assured Health Drink
"As the only healthcare company in the Sports Drink market, we are fully committed not only to providing sportsmen and sportswomen with the best products possible, but also to ensuring that those involved in sport have the best possible nutritional information available to them as our association with organizations such as Coaching NI and our various sponsorships show," Morris concluded. When asked about the deal the PRO League Chairman Mr. D. Ball said “we have recently employed the use of a consultant, who has asked not to be named for he is unsure whether has properly resigned from his previous role, and he has been outstanding in bringing on board major world players such as the Chin Chin group” he went on to say “I hope we make a packet out of it”. It was explained to Mr. Ball, as he finished his third tin of the health drink, that they only made tins he pointed out “yes brilliant!” and walked away with a peculiar twitch. The CEO of Chin Chin, Mr. S Tinkin however shed more light on the deal “We at Chin Chin are looking for domination of this type of club and we will normally do anything to get it. We were approached by one other supporters club based in the province but apparently someone else already had their dirty big fat hands already all over that club”. THIS ARTICLE IN NO WAY PROMOTES THE USE OF THIS DRINK. IF SYMPTOMS PERSIST SEEK THE OPINION OF A QUALIFIED MEDICAL PRACTIONER. ALWAYS READ THE LABEL (GOOD LUCK IN FINDING ONE).

A Case For Defense. In keeping with the general hysteria surrounding Ulster's mid-season slump the FRU have found, after much research, that Ulster's problems do not lie with local coaches McCall and Clarke but are part of a bizarre defensive strategy devised by hard as nails "North English" defensive coach Neil Kelly.
We at the FRU have got hold of Kelly's play book and his "wacky" plays and "zany" ideas belie his solid "North English" roots. Below are details of some of the more "original" plays that Kelly has devised during his 18 month stint with Ulster Rugby.
1. The Open Gate. This defense is to be used at rucks and lineouts where the forwards are to leave a huge gaping hole in the middle of the ruck or lineout so the opposing forwards can run straight through and make 50 or 60 yards until they are in our "kill zone" where our best tacklers will nail them. The opposing player will be so surprised at running so far that he will lose his supporting runners and Ulster will be able to win the ball with ease.	A field in Islandmagee - Neil's inspiration for new defensive play!
2. The Bitch Slap. This is a new tackling technique where instead of tackling the opposing player round the legs the Ulster player is to stand him up and "bitch slap" him until he is forced to cover-up or respond and in doing so they will be forced to drop the ball giving Ulster a defensive scrum.	Boss, Frost and Shields practice "bitch slap" technique!
3. Jimmy's Boots. The Jimmy's Boots tactic is very similar to the Open Gate. The boots are not silver or gold as many punters think but are in fact covered with hundreds of thousands of LED's which are controlled by the staff in the dugout. When an opposing player runs at Jimmy the dugout turn on the arrows to subliminally direct the opponent into the "kill zone" where our best tacklers will nail them etc. etc.	The hi-tech surface of Jimmy's Boots!
4. The Brick Wall. Yet another innovative use of the old mantra "attack is the best form of defense". When an Ulster player attacks he is not to take any evasive action but is to run straight at the opposing player time and time again as if he was running at a brick wall. The opposing player will be so tired at having to tackle the Ulster player time and time again without having to move more than a few feet that when they do eventually get the ball they will drop it because their arms will be sore. Ulster will get a defensive scrum.	The brick wall at the back of Newforge where the Ulster players practice running into it.
When questioned by the FRU about his bizarre plays Mr Kelly pointed behind us and when we turned to look he ran away in the opposite direction. Although the FRU fell for this cunning plan they did recognise it as one of the key plays in the "Mark McCall - Attack" play book.

Letters to the Editor. Dear Sir, We are writing to you in the hope that publicity in FRU will bring UR to their senses and moderate their message boards. We had previously employed a ghost writer to bring this to the attention of UR, but it turned out to be too technical forum and he is still awaiting a reply! It is an absolute disgrace what goes on in some discussions. We have both been contacted by several readers who feel compelled to visit regularly some unsavoury sites advertised there, just to remind themselves of how affronted they are by them. The pop-up casinos are a temptation to lead the weak into gambling, debt and hardship, and as such should be banned. We’d even bet there are many like us who agree. In the schools section there are players threatening to half kill one another. If they were to succeed (twice), we could end up with “Ghost Writers in the Sky”! We know this is Ulster Rugby, but for heaven’s sake, there’s no need to encourage them. Some have suggested that three Gurus should be empowered to moderate the boards, but let’s be honest, the wee girl April that has been suggested too would have her work cut out moderating them. Can you see SammyT, Dead Ball or Ballpark as three wise men? - Wise Up! Add to this that the language filters are $%£# &$£ …. not always successful! Yours in Sport. In the best interests of Ulster Rugby, Kenboss & Harlequeen. Sir, Following from your piece on the PRO league being sponsored by CHIN CHIN, we do not wish to jump the signal, but we hope to announce another high profile sponsorship package in the near future after negotiations between Holywood Mike and the proprietor of this Railway Company! P.P. (On behalf of CHOO CHOO Trains) Thomas, Edward, Henry, Gordon, James, & Percy Sodor

I - Prod An occasional piece by our resident tech head and general man about town - Tighthead Prod.
This week Tighty looks into the future with: - FRU PREDICTIONS FOR 2006. Although the FRU has its origins in that immortal phrase '' I never thought I would say this '', the FRU would confidently predict that the following words will not be uttered in the incoming year. ''We recommend Mark McCall and Mike Reid for the Man of the Year Award'' - Dead Ball, banditt and Le Paul. '' A Buckfast 'by the neck' and a sarsaparilla for the kid'' - Darcy Dancer '' I admit it, I 'm not a fully qualified solicitor'' - Dead Ball ''Another Pure Orange please Barman '' - banditt '' You're right, rotund, bespectacled and balding referee - our hooker's throw was a tad crooked'' - any rugby supporter. ''You may have a point - yes, you are right and I am wrong'' - Dead Ball and Ballpark.	(Thanks to The Portadown News)

INTISTT CONTROVERSY!!!! Without so much as a by-your-leave, explanation or apology, CT posted his predictions half-way through the first match. What’s more, he couldn’t even do that right and had to add to them later. With Rab also being granted extra time (at least his was official, and he declined), the ginger one followed suit after the match, but at least he had the decency (or was it stupidity?) to back the losing team! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT, CT? – A little acknowledgement of your "misdemeanour" would have gone a long way, you know. HOWEVER, as your new best mate Dead Ball can testify, I am not a vindictive man. I had a PM pleading your case from the Cap’n, and a little discussion with Stewi/Dewi/Lewi (he who must be obeyed), and we have allowed your last four predictions to stand. We couldn’t in all fairness let the first one go – the Dragons had it all but won by the time you posted. A little "thank-you" to Stewi and Grumps wouldn’t go amiss, what do you think, CT? It would appear that Grumps would rather win "on the field of play" so to speak, than by default – What a gent! But then with Grumpy scoring a full house, and a bonus point (as did Tighty), why shouldn’t he be confident. He’s now opened up a clear lead in both the Overall League and the Celtic one. (Oh and I almost forgot – Jamesie, I gave you the benefit of a couple of "free weeks" so you won’t be too far behind) Full results here.	CT We allowed your predictions to stand, but consider yourself on a YELLOW CARD! You won’t get away with it another time.

Message Bored.
Over on the main Ulster Message board well know Manchester City supporter and lifelong Ulster Fan, No One Like Us, was shocked and saddened when one of his first threads was hijacked by, not one, but two internet worms which kept trying to re-direct his harmless thread on Gavin Henson into a gay chat room. These virus like worms known as bummbanditt and PaddyXXX have been seen on the message board before and can be easily identified by the puerile garbage that they spout, usually with homosexual overtones. So if your thread attracts posts such as:- PaddyXXX: er bandit i got a huge wopper do u lik it? bummbanditt: oh er paddy bnd ovr an ill show u!
You'll know that you have been infected and you should bin your post immediately in case these viruses spread. These viruses have recently been joined by a small tracking cookie known as iluvulster which seems to contribute nothing but the occasional teehee! These viruses should be avoided at all costs.

Over on the UAFC message board it's all doom and gloom following Ulster's mid season slump. Hysterical popinjay Le Paul and doompark kept up such a relentless barrage of despair that it all got too much for one of the UAFC regulars Darcy Dancer who jumped from the top of the Stand when Glasgow went ahead in the last minute of yesterdays game. Fortunately for our readers the FRU were there to capture the moment when Darcy landed. (Well not exactly "the moment" as he had been stripped of all his clothes by Eastside Sammy and his Band of Scallys who have turned them into a hospitality tent.) Don't worry Darcy made a full recovery but the back of the stand will be out of bounds next week while the pavement is being repaired.	Darcy after his despairing leap.



		Not A Lot of People Know This! The Biarritz Band will be playing inside the beer tent before Fridays Match! This Weeks Fixtures - back to the Heineken Cup. Ulster v Biarritz Castres v Munster Bourgoin v Bath Blues v Perpignan Calvisano v Leeds Toulouse v Wasps Ospreys v Clermont Edinburgh v Scarlets Leinster v Glasgow Sale v Dragons Leicesterv Stade Francais Saracens v Treviso Predictions to be in by 6:00 pm Friday 13th January.